The Boston Bachelor

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / August 30, 2007 

We’ll be in Chicago this weekend, but we’ve got some great articles for you when we get back, including:

•  Accounts of an American in China
•  Number 5 of the Top 10 Irrefutable Truths about Women and Dating
•  An Online Dating Experiment, Part I
•  Link of the Week
•  and More!

Until then.

-The Boston Bachelor

Number 6: Stop Treating Her Like a Beautiful Woman (and Start Treating Her Like a Human Being)

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / August 24, 2007 

Catcalls make me throw up.

It’s not that I’m Gloria Steinem’s errand boy or some Bible Belt prude.  Far from that.  It’s the sheer stupidity of it that makes me want to vomit last Sunday’s dinner.  Because not only is that guy fucking up any chances he could have had with that girl, he’s also making things harder for the rest of the male species.

Yelling “hey baby!” or “nice ass!” is not going to make her suddenly stop, walk back towards you and your cock farm of friends, and hand you her number.  Even worse are the doofuses who yell at girls from their car window—like she’s going to flag your car down and toss a lipstick-imprinted business card into the passenger seat.

Now I’m not saying that girls aren’t a little flattered by the male attention; all women want to be wanted.  But the only thing you accomplish here is a lowering of your own value.  It doesn’t matter that you’re driving a Ferrari Modena (though every Saturday night some guy in Bolyston tends to think otherwise)—you’ll still be lumped into the group of insecure, inebriated guys who didn’t have the balls to approach her in the club.

Yes, I realize that she may look absofuckingly smokin’ in her miniskirt and leather boots, but the more you play into the role of horny, desperate guy, the more she’s going to see you as just another notch on her self-esteem belt.  Because what you’re doing is nothing new in the life of a beautiful woman… in fact it’s something she gets ALL THE TIME… for the life of a beautiful woman… is a far, far different fairy tale than the life of the average man or woman.  (Disclaimer: Average women in engineering or the military may have also experienced this life.  All other restrictions apply).

I want you now to close your eyes and imagine what it must be like to be a beautiful woman.  And please don’t touch yourself while you’re doing this exercise (that goes for you ladies too).  Ready?  Here we go…

Imagine that every morning you leave your apartment you’re constantly getting checked out or hit on by guys of all ages and races (especially those Indians and Greeks—sorry kid, I couldn’t resist).  It could come in the form of a hungry stare, a comment, a honk of the horn, a catcall, a wolf whistle, a feeble attempt at conversation, whatever.  You get to work and then have to deal with those male coworkers who “just happen to wander in” your cube, where they hover uncomfortably for 20 minutes trying to make small talk.  And finally on the subway ride back home, after a long, tiring day, you get more stares and more random strangers trying to–well, you get the point.  Now many of these guys may be genuinely good guys.  But if you’re getting this same kind of attention from 30 different guys each day—how are you going to sort through the pile?  Isn’t it easier to just dismiss them all as one big annoying lump?

The latter just so happens to be the unfortunate truth, gentlemen.  Think about it the next time a homeless guy asks you for change.  Sure, the guy may really need the money—especially if you happen to be walking through New Orleans right now.  But do you really take the time to stop and figure out whether he deserves the money—or do you keep on walking?

Hence instead of putting a beautiful woman on a Himalayan pedestal like 97% of guys out there, start treating her like a living, breathing human—flaws and all.  No matter how breathtaking, remember–she still eats, sleeps, burps, and farts.  And never forget that being good-looking has nothing to do with being a good person.  So quit the ass-kissing and unexpected gift-giving; her time and money are no more valuable than yours.  Most importantly, never accept second class behavior from her.  For many guys lose not only their composure and wallet when they interact with a beautiful woman, but their soul as well.

‘Soul’ seems like a strong word to use, right?  Well let me ask you this: how many times have you seen some poor sap treat a beautiful woman with the same reverence that Yul Brynner gave the golden cow in The Ten Commandments?  And when that temple came crashing down, it came down like a fireball in Hell, did it not?  So my one commandment to you is this:

Thou shalt not worship the golden pussy.

I can’t put it more eloquently than that.

-The Boston Bachelor

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / August 22, 2007

Those of you familiar with Tim Ferriss may already know about this, but if not, here’s something for all the “gurly men” out there looking to “pump up.”

And for the people out there who just want to lose weight without exercising (”double the beef,” I hope you’re reading this), I may have found exactly what you’re looking for.

-The Boston Bachelor

Number 7: You’re Not Her Savior

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / August 20, 2007

We’ve all fallen for those types.

The ones from the broken homes that just beg to be saved- because not only does she want to save the world, not only does she listen to the same obscure bands as you do, not only does she play 3 instruments, and not only does spend her weekends in a soup kitchen, but she’s also one of the most achingly beautiful girls you’ve ever laid eyes on. And you can’t stop telling your friends about her, no matter how often they tell you to shut up.

There’s just one thing, however. One flaw in that perfect jewel. Maybe her parents split up when she was 9 and she never got over it. Or maybe her father died when she was just 4 years old. Or maybe her grandmother died a long, horrible death from cancer last summer. And in those quiet moments, you can still see it in those pale blue eyes, that fear- that sense of abandonment- that pain.

And you, more than anything in the world, want to heal her wounds and make her whole again… you want to make her life perfect, as it richly deserves to be. And once that happens, she’ll suddenly realize… that all along… it was you… it was always you. And you’ll gaze longingly into each other’s eyes and finally share that kiss you’ve waited so long for… not just any kiss… but the sweetest kiss in the entire world–

STOP that kind of thinking RIGHT NOW.

Because the last thing she’ll do is fall in love with you if you keep that behavior up.

Harsh words, yes. But it’s a lesson most guys have learned through many lonely Friday nights. Yet they keep making that same mistake again and again and again and again.

Because while you’ve been acting as her psychiatrist/therapist/nurse/delivery boy/chauffeur/personal assistant, you were being anything BUT an attractive man. In fact, you were probably smothering her to the point where you were starting to creep her out. Look, if she really needs emotional help, do yourself and her a favor and refer her to a real psychiatrist. Stop trying to exchange therapy for love. I’m sorry, but it just doesn’t work that way.

If anything, you should be focusing away from all that emotionally-draining stuff. Let me ask you this: who would she rather date- a guy who constantly reminded her of all the weighty issues in her life, or a guy who was a consistent source of fun, excitement, adventure, and sensuality?

Let’s also be honest about what it is that separates her from all the other girls out there. If she had the same exact personality but stood 4’11” and weighed 300lb., would you still be infatuated with her? I didn’t think so.

So stop trying to save her. Because not only will that get you nowhere romantically, it’s also being dishonest about your intentions. Unless you enjoy putting a woman in the uncomfortable position of someday having to give you that “let’s just be friends” speech, save the asexual male nurse act for Philip Seymour Hoffman.

And if your girlfriend happens to be devoutly religious, then my good friend V (who just got out of a 4 1/2 year relationship with a devout Roman Catholic) has some even more sobering news for you: Jesus will always be her man.

Until next time.

-The Boston Bachelor

Number 8: It’s Always Your Fault

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / August 15, 2007

(You can tell your girlfriend to stop clapping now).

That’s right guys- it’s always your fault. Had a date flake on you last night? Your fault. So your girlfriend cheated on you with your friend while you were studying abroad in London? Your fault too. Approached some girl at a party only to have her rebuff you with a “NO” even before you opened your mouth? You guessed it- that’s your fault as well! Now before you sip some peyote and start burning effigies of The Boston Bachelor in your backyard, just hear me out for a second.

Ready? Good. Now listen closely.

It’s the mindset that’s important, not the facts. Believing that “it’s always your fault” is the quickest way you’re going to improve your success not just in this game, but in life in general. Why? Because everything else out there- the girls, the clubs, the unspoken gender rules of society, the age of consent laws in Southwick- are all outside of your direct control. The only real control you have is over yourself: your actions, your behaviors, and your beliefs.

The perfect analogy exists in the sports world. The greatest athletes, past and present, never play the blame game (are you listening, Isiah?). When they lose, they know the onus is on them- not the lack of air conditioning in the old Boston Garden, not “The Jordan Rules,” not the Cubs fan who went for the foul ball, and not even Tim Donaghy (well, maybe a little- we’ll see what the investigation turns up). So with all apologies to Dr. Sean Maguire, yes Will Hunting, it is your fault.

Because only by always accepting responsibility for the outcome will you ever obtain the strength and perseverance necessary for greatness. Think of MJ’s flu game against Utah, Larry Legend willing the Celtics to an OT victory in Game 4 of the ’84 NBA Finals, or Floyd Landis’ miraculous comeback in the 2006 Tour de France. Against all external odds, the greatest still find a way.

So now that you know this, think back to the last time you were out with your friends and some random chick gave you the cold shoulder. Your friends probably tried to comfort you by remarking, “man, what a bitch,” or “fuck her, she probably went to a tech school or something.” Well if they were a true friend, they’d tell you the straight deal; that it wasn’t her, but your cologne of insecurity and poor body language. Or the fact that you looked in her direction 54 times before you made an approach. Or the fact that you haven’t updated your wardrobe since Twin Peaks went off the air.

Now I’m not saying that bitchy, bitter, or insane Anna Nicoles don’t exist. But is it really worth turning shit into gold when it’s easier to learn how to avoid stepping in it in the first place?

I do have one final warning. When you take the blame, NEVER, EVER, EVER take it personally. NEVER beat yourself up over it. I cannot emphasize this enough. Remember- every rejection, every loss, every rebuff, every flake- is just another stepping stone on the path to success.

Entrepreneur and bestselling author Robert Kiyosaki said it best: “Sometimes you win; sometimes you learn.”

-The Boston Bachelor

Up next is an article written by my good friend Vemis. I’ve known the kid since his Saab 900 days, so please give a warm welcome to “The Salieri of Writing.” If you’d like to give feedback to the kid (angry religious folks and Celtics fans are especially welcome), email him at gvemis@gmail.com. So please stand up and give praise to a man about to ruminate on two of his favorite topics: the Boston Celtics and The Shawshank Redemption.

-The Boston Bachelor

The Shawshank Redemption is Faaaantastic!

By THE SALIERI OF WRITING / August 14, 2007

ANDY DUFRESNE:

When Andy first arrived at Shawshank Prison in 1947 it looked like a stiff breeze would tip him over. He was a tall lanky white man with a shadow of mystery about him. He had a casual stride and a drooping gaze as if he didn’t have a care in the world. He caught the attention of several inmates including Red, who doubted his fortitude from the beginning and didn’t think he would last the night. The rest is movie history– Red lost a pack of smokes, Fat Ass would spend the night in the infirmary, and not so much as a mouse fart would come out of Andy’s cell.

Was there a tall white player in the NBA that didn’t look all that good (i.e. he was ugly), and raised doubts among NBA critics before even entering the league? That’s right, you guessed it- Larry Joe Bird. Like Andy, Larry would quickly dismiss his critics and gain the respect and admiration of everyone around him.

Dufresne and Bird may be the closest reincarnation to the second coming of Christ that this world will ever see. Flashback to the scene of Andy’s outstretched arms, pointing to the heavens, thanking his Father for the redemption of paying penance for the sin of another man. It was a baptismal cleansing of shit so foul that you can’t even imagine. In many ways, the journey through that tunnel of excrement was symbolic of his ill-fated life up to that point. Throughout it all he would make the best of his situation and perform acts that weren’t thought possible amongst his peers- whether it was playing The Marriage of Figaro over the loud speakers, getting a 12 pack of suds for his friends, or tunneling through a 6 foot wall of concrete with a spoon. He represented the consummate human being in terms of bonding, character, and an enduring hope for a better life in the future.

Although I can’t say Larry was a stand up individual off the court (i.e. he was an asshole) his acts on the court were nothing short of miraculous. The reaction from the Hawks bench during Larry’s 60 point explosion in 85 must have been similar to the reactions Jesus received when he walked on water. Bird would defy disbelief throughout his career with his no look passes, clutch shooting, and timely defensive stops. He was the consummate basketball player whose unselfish style improved the play of his teammates and in return, garnered their respect. Larry Bird, The Basketball Jesus, was the Andy Dufresne of the NBA. In fact, if Larry or Andy were pinned to the cross instead of Jesus, I might actually consider overlooking the hypocrisy of the Catholic Church and attend service every Sunday.

BROOKS HATLEN:

If I had to pick one player in the NBA that just won’t make it on the outside it would have to be Sebastian Telfair. Is there any doubt that the proclaimed next Magic Johnson, the pride of NYC hoops, the Coney Island Hope will be playing as a backup point guard to Yotam Halperin for Maccabi Tel Aviv in a few years? Imagine Sebastian’s surprise when he realizes that an AK47 isn’t a player who chokes in the playoffs and cries in the locker room. He’s going to have to replace his .35 caliber hiding in his suped up Caddy with something more fitting for Hamas rules. In this regard, Sebastian may be the most likely NBA player to commit suicide. It’s only a matter of time before the following is carved above a beam in the Timberwolves locker room: “Bassy was here…. So was Starburry.”

Brooks was a fixture for generations at Shawshank Prison. The Shawshank Redemption without Brooks Hatlen is like the NBA without Tommy Heinsohn. Tommy has been in the NBA for over 50 years as a player, head coach, and announcer. Can you imagine anybody else announcing Celtics games other than Tommy Heinsohn? I’m waiting for the night he drinks one too many Jack Daniels before a game and Fox Sports threatens to fire him if he doesn’t clean up his act. This will lead Tommy to take a knife to Gorman’s neck as Cornbread tries to talk him out of it.

I have to give this award to Telfair over Heinsohn for the single reason that Tommy could have easily made it on the outside earning a living as a professional painter. Not only that, Tommy would never consider taking his life with the Redhead from Needham as his wife. I’m with Tommy when it comes to redheads. There’s just something about them that lights a fire under Frank. Just take a look at the picture of Lindsay Lohan from the previous post and tell me that a boner the size of Florida isn’t filling up your pants.

BOGGS (THE SISTERS):

I have to be real careful here. I promised myself I wouldn’t make any John Amaechi jokes in fear that Tim Hardaway would post something blatantly homophobic.

Perhaps the most fitting NBA equivalent would be Isiah Thomas. Has there ever been another GM in sports history that has taken it up the ass more than Zeke? How else can you explain the $89 million bloated salary on a bunch of shoot-first selfish players? Now that Isaiah has crowned himself head coach, every hardcore NBA fan is salivating over the comedic potential of this freak show. This team will be so bad that even the Hawks will be slapping each other on the ass. My guess is that it will be three months before Knick’s owner James Dolan realizes how much his team blows and sends Isiah packing down with the Sodomites.

FAT ASS:

At 6’9” tall and weighing in at a butterballian 289 pounds, Big Baby Davis takes the Fat Ass prize by a long shot. If Big Baby ever hit the glass at Cedardale he would take out Barry Humphries and cause a tsunami that would spill over into Cedarland. I have never seen such girth on a professional basketball player since Tractor Traylor stomped the hardwood.

I can only hope he turns out to be a solid contributor off the bench for the Celtics this season. I hope that Danny Ainge can bring in some solid contributors to complement the big three. I hope the 17th banner is as green as it is in my dreams… I hope….

In Memory of Milt Palacio.

-The Salieri of Writing

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / August 10, 2007

I know it’s been a rough week for my friend V in dealing with the ladies, so here’s something I know the kid would like.

Weekend’s just around the corner,

-The Boston Bachelor

Be forewarned.

Coming up next is the return of none other than Matty Roy, previously known as the most controversial writer to hit college campuses across the Eastern US (other than that UMass kid who made fun of Pat Tillman).

Though Roy and I don’t always see eye to eye on all issues, when it comes to raw honesty (as this is what TheBostonBachelor.com is all about), I’ve never personally met anyone who’s as brutally honest about his perspectives on life than this guy. Nor met anyone who managed to piss off so many readers (like this guy) during his weekly column “The Twilight Age” for Bentley College’s The Vanguard.

So without further ado, I present you with the words of the Salieri (of Basketball).

-The Boston Bachelor

Celtics Acquisition of Two Stars Has Them Poised For East Coast Domination

By THE SALIERI OF BASKETBALL / August 7, 2007

The Youth Movement moves west to Minnesota as Danny Ainge gives birth to a dynasty. After 15 years of wallowing in relative obscurity since the retirement of Lawrence Joe Bird, a formerly moribund Green Team appears poised to shit victories across the face of the National Basketball Association. Big green ‘W’ shaped horse apples should fill the standings in the coming season, as Boston’s most popular athletic franchise trots out a team that should decimate the league in a manner reminiscent of Josef Stalin. The reason for all the optimism that currently surrounds the Celtics of Boston is the result of two player acquisitions that have tipped the scales of power in the NBA and knocked the sports world on its collective ear.

Celtics Dictator of Basketball Operations Danny Ainge recently announced that superstar veterans Eddie House and Scot Pollard will be joining the 2007-2008 NBA Championship club. House, who has played for every NBA team to date except the Celtics is commonly considered to be amongst the top 138 outside shooters in the league. Last season he led a talented New Jersey Netz team to the playoffs with his gaudy 1.3 PPG average. Many analysts felt that with his exemplary shooting ability that he could have padded his scoring more, had he not been insistent on maintaining his 0.3 assists a night average. House, is widely known to be a consummate teammate, while Richard Jefferson described him as “One vicious Motherfucker”. Meanwhile, EHouse’s Soviet teammate Nenad Kristic praises his scoring ability from outside the arc, referring to him as “One of the best negro shooters in the league”.

The Celtics other major move this off-season revolved around wrestling F/C Scot Pollard from the defending Eastern Conference Champion Cleveland Cavs. Some analysts feel that had Pollard performed slightly better in the playoffs (2007 Playoff Statistics: 0.0 PPG, 0.0 RPG, 0.0 APG, 0.0 EFF Rating) that the heavily favored Cleveland collective could have toppled a mongrelized San Antonio Spurs squadron that consisted of a black Frenchman, a white South American, and a cola-colored center from the Virgin Islands. However true basketball statisticians are quick to recognize that Pollard has led the league for the past seven seasons in the all-important Hairstyles Per Game stat with an average HPG of 2.8 over that period. Insiders feel that since the Celtics abandoned their colored headbands from the 2002-2003 season, their poor HPG rating has been the major source of their recent woes.

It’ll take some time before the new acquisitions begin to gel with the Celtics current core of Brian Scalabrine, Brandon Wallace, and Michael Olowakandi. But one Celtic in particular couldn’t be more thrilled with the talents of his new teammates. When asked if he thought that House and Pollard would prove to be an upgrade over the departed stalwarts Al Jefferson and Gerald Green, Kendrick Perkins responded “Shit yes! Eddie house – 10 fingers; Gerald Green – 9 fingers. You do the fuckin’ math.”

Wise words from an ecstatic future Hall of Famer who proves that you don’t need to go to college to understand the simple arithmetic at hand. One thing is for sure: The 2007-08 incarnation of the Boston Celtics is better than last year’s model.

-The Salieri of Basketball

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / August 7, 2007

The Boston Celtics shocked the sports and entertainment world by signing legendary Smiths front man and solo recording artist Morrissey to a one year deal believed to be worth the league veteran minimum.

When asked by local Boston sports reporter Dick Shankly on whether he would contribute immediately to the Celtics, he replied, “Frankly, Mr. Shankly, how soon is now?”

-The Boston Bachelor

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / August 6, 2007

We unexpectedly met former Celtic and current free agent Eric Williams (decked out in all white- Escalade included) in Boylston last Saturday night. Though we didn’t inquire about the reasons for his visit, will he perhaps be the next free agent signing for the Celtics? One thing’s for sure; the Celtics could definitely use some veteran depth behind KG in the power forward position.

If Eric Williams is sportin’ the Leprechaun when the season starts, remember folks- you heard it here first.

-The Boston Bachelor