The Boston Bachelor

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / August 1, 2007

Are you kidding me?

In less than 5 weeks the Boston Celtics went from the 2nd worst team in the league to the team to beat in the Eastern Conference.

Never would I have thought this possible. Not with this front office. Not with this team. Maybe with the Red Sox or the Patriots, but never with the Celtics. Not unless Red Aurebach climbed out of his grave, hopped into his SL convertible (cigar in one hand, steering wheel in the other), and crashed into Danny Ainge’s office like it was the police station in The Terminator.

But unless he’s buried somewhere in Pet Cemetery, the sad Pitino truth is that Red Aurebach isn’t walking through that door.

So then, how did this miracle happen?

Here’s the most rational explanation I could come up with:

5/22/2007: A record number of Celtics fans tune in to the 2007 NBA Draft Lottery night with baited breath, hoping that this would be the turning point of a long-suffering dynasty (Reggie Lewis, Len Bias, and Tim Duncan there of). Meanwhile, behind the draft curtains Portland Trailblazers owner and Microsoft bazillionaire Paul Allen promises David Stern one crazy night of group sex with all members of the Portland Trailblazers cheerleaders and a Kevin Duckworth throwback jersey in exchange for the 1st lottery pick. David Stern accepts, and the rest is ping pong history, causing legions of Celtics fans to erupt in disgust: http://dimemag.com/2007/05/23/lottery-night-for-celtics-fans/

6/27/2007: Ainge, realizing the Celtics chances for getting a guaranteed franchise player in the draft are shot, begins making calls to various NBA GMs across the league. All hang up on him immediately after he mentions the word “Scalabrine” as possible trade bait.

6/28/2007: Ainge’s perserverance finally pays minutes before the draft begins by making a deal for the Sonics’ Ray Allen. Celtics fans react with mixed emotions upon hearing the news. Ainge nearly fucks the deal up by referring to Ray Allen as “the black Jesus who beat Denzel in a game of one-on-one.”

6/29/2007: Paul Pierce takes his house off the market.

7/25/2007: Ainge is visited at midnight by the ghost of Red, who shows him what the future would be like- if things were to continue along the current path. Some of the images Ainge sees include Vin Baker rising to Celtics GM and Sebastian Telfair shooting Paul Pierce 9 times.

7/26/2007: Ainge calls up good friend and former teammate Kevin “the Spaghetti Man” McHale to inquire about Kevin Garnett. McHale laughs at Ainge, hangs up, then folds some sweaters.

7/30/2007: Not so easily deterred, Ainge flies to Minnesota to plead with McHale in person. After Ainge starts quoting verse from the Book of Mormon, McHale finally relents and agrees to put a KG deal out on the table- on the condition that Ainge has to dress up like “The Riddler” and run into Celtics President Chris Gotham’s office yelling “I’m Batman!!”

7/31/2007: With some help from Bill Walton’s bong and the Chief’s personal stash, Ainge convinces McHale to sign off on the most brilliant trade in recent Celtics memory.
Somewhere in Atkinson, NH, diehard Celtics fan Greg V. is crying.

So stand up, clap your hands, and give the man his due. Because Danny Ainge just pulled a Keyser Soze on the rest of the NBA and left the Eastern Conference shitting in its pants.

I can imagine John Paxson and Joe Dumars sitting in their offices right now scratching their heads, wondering how the hell Danny Ainge got the best of them. Well I’ll tell you how.

They just forgot, forgot about Danny Ainge, that’s all.

-The Boston Bachelor

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