Aug 07 2007
Celtics Acquistion of Two Stars Has Them Poised for East Coast Domination
Coming up next is the return of none other than Matty Roy, previously known as the most controversial writer to hit college campuses across the Eastern US (other than that UMass kid who made fun of Pat Tillman).
Though Roy and I don’t always see eye to eye on all issues, when it comes to raw honesty (as this is what TheBostonBachelor.com is all about), I’ve never personally met anyone who’s as brutally honest about his perspectives on life than this guy. Nor met anyone who managed to piss off so many readers (like this guy) during his weekly column “The Twilight Age” for Bentley College’s The Vanguard.
So without further ado, I present you with the words of the Salieri (of Basketball).
-The Boston Bachelor
Celtics Acquisition of Two Stars Has Them Poised For East Coast Domination
By THE SALIERI OF BASKETBALL / August 7, 2007
The Youth Movement moves west to Minnesota as Danny Ainge gives birth to a dynasty. After 15 years of wallowing in relative obscurity since the retirement of Lawrence Joe Bird, a formerly moribund Green Team appears poised to shit victories across the face of the National Basketball Association. Big green ‘W’ shaped horse apples should fill the standings in the coming season, as Boston’s most popular athletic franchise trots out a team that should decimate the league in a manner reminiscent of Josef Stalin. The reason for all the optimism that currently surrounds the Celtics of Boston is the result of two player acquisitions that have tipped the scales of power in the NBA and knocked the sports world on its collective ear.
Celtics Dictator of Basketball Operations Danny Ainge recently announced that superstar veterans Eddie House and Scot Pollard will be joining the 2007-2008 NBA Championship club. House, who has played for every NBA team to date except the Celtics is commonly considered to be amongst the top 138 outside shooters in the league. Last season he led a talented New Jersey Netz team to the playoffs with his gaudy 1.3 PPG average. Many analysts felt that with his exemplary shooting ability that he could have padded his scoring more, had he not been insistent on maintaining his 0.3 assists a night average. House, is widely known to be a consummate teammate, while Richard Jefferson described him as “One vicious Motherfucker”. Meanwhile, EHouse’s Soviet teammate Nenad Kristic praises his scoring ability from outside the arc, referring to him as “One of the best negro shooters in the league”.
The Celtics other major move this off-season revolved around wrestling F/C Scot Pollard from the defending Eastern Conference Champion Cleveland Cavs. Some analysts feel that had Pollard performed slightly better in the playoffs (2007 Playoff Statistics: 0.0 PPG, 0.0 RPG, 0.0 APG, 0.0 EFF Rating) that the heavily favored Cleveland collective could have toppled a mongrelized San Antonio Spurs squadron that consisted of a black Frenchman, a white South American, and a cola-colored center from the Virgin Islands. However true basketball statisticians are quick to recognize that Pollard has led the league for the past seven seasons in the all-important Hairstyles Per Game stat with an average HPG of 2.8 over that period. Insiders feel that since the Celtics abandoned their colored headbands from the 2002-2003 season, their poor HPG rating has been the major source of their recent woes.
It’ll take some time before the new acquisitions begin to gel with the Celtics current core of Brian Scalabrine, Brandon Wallace, and Michael Olowakandi. But one Celtic in particular couldn’t be more thrilled with the talents of his new teammates. When asked if he thought that House and Pollard would prove to be an upgrade over the departed stalwarts Al Jefferson and Gerald Green, Kendrick Perkins responded “Shit yes! Eddie house – 10 fingers; Gerald Green – 9 fingers. You do the fuckin’ math.”
Wise words from an ecstatic future Hall of Famer who proves that you don’t need to go to college to understand the simple arithmetic at hand. One thing is for sure: The 2007-08 incarnation of the Boston Celtics is better than last year’s model.
-The Salieri of Basketball
Dear Jesus of writing,
The kid has delivered yet another birdie on a par 5. I actually considered taking the day off and having an Outback Corona to celebrate the return of the man. I’m so excited about this website that I can hardly hold a thought in my head. I think it’s a feeling only a versed man can feel.
How much do you think Scott Pollard charges for birthday parties? Depending on his hairstyle, Scotti may mistake him for a bad guy girl. One thing is for certain – Danny Ainge has constructed a team of players that has truly tipped the comedic scale. I really hope he brings Dennis Rodman out of retirement… I think my head just exploded.
You can raise the banner for the Salieri of Basketball. His literary pros are already worthy of a unanimous selection to the Hall of Writers. He’s articulate. He’s fresh. He’s a writer for all off-seasons.
We’ve taken a liking to you…
I’ve been reading Matt’s work since our days at Bentley. I even supported his article on Atheism.
I’ve always said a man is entitled to his opinion, no matter how fucked up it is.
Especially Bogs.