Feb 22 2008
Behind the Bullshit: The Beginner’s Guide to Nightclubs
By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / February 22, 2008
Clubs can be an intimidating mix of strange odors, sweaty people, overpriced drinks, and shitty music to the uninitiated. So we’ve come up with a list of common questions the newcomer might ask. If you believe that we’ve missed something, email us your question at bb@thebostonbachelor.com.
Why is the music so bad, and why do they play the same songs ever week?
The DJ spins music for the female booty-shaking factor, not quality or variety. So save Another Green World for the car ride there.
Why does every girl/guy strive to buy club clothes that make them unique, but still end up looking the same as every other girl/guy in there?
Good question.
What’s up with the two girls who are grinding with each other in the middle of the dance floor?
“Pleeease pay attention to us! Pleeeaaase!”
What’s up with the circle of guys standing around the two girls who are grinding with each other in the middle of the dance floor?
If anyone wants to make an argument that women are smarter than men, now’s the time.
Why is that guy watching the TV / playing with his phone / going to the bathroom every 5 minutes / going out for a smoke every 5 minutes?
One word: stalling.
Why are some bouncers/doormen complete assholes?
Because they realize that holding a cheap velvet rope for 3 hours is the most power they’ll ever possess in their lives.
Why do people wait until lines go around the block and cover charges are in effect before they head out to clubs?
Because they’re dumbasses.
I can’t dance.
Most people can’t, so who gives a fuck and just do it anyway. I sure as hell can’t (unless you spin some New Order or Madchester–long live Bez!).
I don’t like dancing. Can I still meet girls at a club?
Yes–at the bar, in line, near the coat check, in the booths, etc.
Why are the drinks so fucking expensive?
Because most of the club’s revenue comes from the alcohol, not the cover charges. And people will stay pay for it, just as they still pay $3.39 for a gallon of gas.
What’s up with the girl who’s in line by herself, checking her cell phone every 20 seconds, keeps looking to the side, with her arms crossed over her chest?
1. She’s waiting for her friends or boyfriend.
2. She’s insecure that people will think that she’s going to a club by herself.
I hate clubs, but I hear they’re the best for practicing your game. Is this true?
Yes and no. If you have trouble talking to strangers, then they’re good in terms of the sheer volume of approaches you can make. If you’re looking for relationship material, then no.
Why do so many girls play with their phones in the club?
Because no guys are approaching them and they’re afraid of being perceived as undesirable.
I like girls who are into Heroes of Might and Magic IV, pre-8 1/2 Fellini films, Greek cooking, commnuity service, and the writings of J.G. Ballard. Is there any chance I’m going to meet a girl like that in a club?
No.
What’s up with the meathead who walks around with a perpetual scowl on his face?
He believes that he’s acting like an “alpha male.” However, this behavior is neither “alpha” nor “male.”
Why do many clubs ban “Tims” (Timberland boots)?
Official Reason: “They’re informal and can scuff up dance floors.”
Unofficial Reason: “They’re too ‘hip hop’ for our desired Eurotrash vibe. That and we’re afraid of black people.”
Why don’t some bartenders say “thanks” you give them a tip?
Because they’re fucking rude.
I think I saw Boston Celtics reserve forward Brian Scalabrine in a bar once. Was it really him?
If this was a bar outside Boston, then yes. If this was a bar in Boston, then you probably just saw one of 16,793 registered Brian Scalabrine look-a-likes in the state of Massachusetts. And yes, V, that was Rajon Rondo (in non-Gumby form) you saw at the Burlington Mall Macy’s.
Why are so many girls standing around packt like sardines in a crushd tin box?
Because just as with any street gang or fraternity, they believe that confidence and protection only exists in groups.
Does “peacocking” work?
Yes, but only for guys who are already very social and high-energy. If you’re the low-key type an interesting prop would suit you better.
What are the 6 biggest mistakes guys make in the club?
From my own personal experience:
6. Ignoring a girl’s friends when you first start talking to her.
5. Circling around the club numerous times trying to see where the “hot girls” are.
4. Leaning in every time you talk to her.
3. Not speaking LOUD ENOUGH.
2. Hesitating.
1. Going to clubs for the purpose of “picking up girls” as opposed to going just to have a fun time and be social. If you can’t have a good time by just being there, then find a venue you can actually enjoy.
I asked a girl to guess my nationality, but she didn’t know what the word “nationality” meant. Is she retarded?
Let me ask her cousin JFr—nevermind.
-The Boston Bachelor
You’ve just asked and answered every important question regarding clubbing, lol good job.I was gonna go out tonight but i think ill just smoke a joint and jerk off to the internet.
one more, whats with the 2 girls who are dressed like each other ( in the most provacative clothes) stand where theyll get the most attention and shoot down every guy that comes their way only to go home alone and then return the next week. every clucb/bar ive been to has these 2 girls.lol
OMG. You’re a freaking riot…
Floor.
Kid… Rajon Rondo looked claymated (coin a phrase there of) just as much in person as he does on Comcast HD. Reminds me of the time Homer Simpson fell through that worm hole poltergeist style to land in the real world. I bet David Lynch would love to cast him in a movie.
Stalling,
V
Oscar,
Two words: attention whores. There’s actually a chapter in The Game devoted to Neil Strauss’ successful pickup in a very similar situation (2 blondes similarly dressed to kill pretending to be sisters) you might be interested in reading.
V,
M and I went over to 33 last night after we all left the Communist bar. I think an Indian girl sitting at the bar threw two drinks at either me or the drunk Russian blonde in front of me for no apparent reason. I’d like a ruling on that.
I definitely agree with biggest mistake number one. Guys who go clubbing with the intention to pick up rarely do well.
That is of course unless they are a PUA .. which in that case .. they will do well.
But for the average guy .. going in with this mentality will pretty much screw you over in the head and wreck your game.
I think its best to go to places, where you feel the most relaxed and confident in.
For those that are just starting, I wouldn’t recommend a nightclub. Because there expectations and competition is pretty high so you would need to know what you are doing.
Of course if you want some lots of target practice .. then hey by all means go ahead.
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
Floor,
If she was any other nationality I would have chalked it up to a random act of drunken rage. I’ll see you in Vishnu level 9 kid.
Cursed,
~Sri Salibaba
This was great! Took me back to my clubbing days. I guess some things never change. LOL!
I just realized the Ron slipped a Heroes IV reference in there… very shrewd.
I actually restarted the first scenario from the Winds of War expansion pack on Sunday afternoon. I’ve been through all of the scenarios once, soI figure i’ll increase the difficulty and see how I do the second time through. In a related story, I turned 27 in December.
Kid some things you left out of the ‘will i meet this type of girl in a club’ section:
- Will I meet a girl in a club who enjoys watching Mystery Science Theater 3000?
- Will I meet a girl in a club who enjoys any of the following bands: Joy Division, The Smiths, or Love?
- Will I meet a girl in a club who enjoys comparing and contrasting Grassfields Waltham and Grassfields Andover?
- Will I meet a girl in a club has read (and enjoyed) any of the following: Watchmen, The Things They Carried, The Creature From Jeckyl Island (made), or anything by Ayn Rand?
Completely unrelated question:
Can we begin a skin friends classification project? I think it would be beneficial to all if we knew where each of us stood in this age old debate. Basically i’d like to get an idea of which of us would typically be considered ’skin’ and which of us are thought of as ‘no skin’ in most personal relationships. Let me start:
Skin:
Ron Lee
Mikey D
Sandeep
Legner
No Skin Friends:
GriefGriff
Myself
Jackson
McC
Unknown:
Vemis
Thoughts? Comments?
I’ve been up for,
- 14 hours
High comedy, kid.
Even though the first set of questions were hypothetical, I’ll go ahead and answer them literally.
- Will I meet a girl in a club who enjoys watching Mystery Science Theater 3000?
To recycle the words once uttered by Jazz, “When Deep grows wings and flies…”
- Will I meet a girl in a club who enjoys any of the following bands: Joy Division, The Smiths, or Love?
You might be able to snag an overweight 40-something in black eyeliner via the web… as for the third, I once invited a girl to a Love concert 3 1/2 years ago–she never realized what she missed.
- Will I meet a girl in a club who enjoys comparing and contrasting Grassfields Waltham and Grassfields Andover?
I think you answered that question that last time you, V, and I went out to Grassfields (Andover): “I dunno, RL, I think the one in the wheelchair is giving me the eye.” And yes, that’s the time where I took the picture outside Grassfield’s of V *2 = R.
- Will I meet a girl in a club has read (and enjoyed) any of the following: Watchmen, The Things They Carried, The Creature From Jeckyl Island (made), or anything by Ayn Rand?
No fucking way; Nope; Nay; Yes–but you’ll have to sweep all your Michael Moore books underneath the rug (next to the remnants of the vase from New Year’s).
As for your list, kid–substitute Mike Who for Legner and you’ve got my list. It’s amazingly accurate.
Sincerely,
Royschach
PS: I like how all of our comments must make absolutely no sense to 99% of the visitors here. I mean, if I flew to Kyrgyzstan, stole a menu from the hotel restaurant, and cut and paste portions of it here–with some random WingDing symbols and a picture of Alf tossed in for good measure–I bet more people would understand that than our comments in the Brett Favre thread. (”Ah, the soup of the day is borscht and the main lobby elevator is out of service.”)
And the list goes on…
Will I ever meet a girl in a bar that can move a pencil with her mind?
Will I ever meet a girl in a bar that fully comprehends the fact that if I ever stalked up on Dual Lands and boxes of Arabian Knights we would all be sipping martinis off the coast of Zihuatanejo?
Will I ever meet a girl in a bar that can throw an Aerobie from Chadwick Street to the Lawrence Airport?
As far as skin goes… The list is fairly accurate. Mikey D probably has the purest skin out of all of us. I’d also like to take this time to introduce the concept of a partially skinned friend: A friend in which you exchange gifts with but at the same time almost anything goes in normal conversation. RL and Deep may have evolved into this new strata of higher being.
Question: If anyone of us were a magic card what would our casting cost be? Abilities? Power and Toughness?
V
P.S. Matt - Are you aware that our friend G donated his hair to charity? If you’re willing to go 50/50 with me (Network style) we may be able to pick it up for a Tuesday worthy bargain in the secondary market. Thoughts? Reactions? Concerns?
Nice! After 15 years of Tending Bar in Vegas, the one theme that reined in this whole hilarious post is…most people in clubs are just as insecure as the person next to them.
That’s why there’s all the props, and attention getting ploys.
Most clubs today just provide a backdrop for people to take pictures for their My Space page…another place where individuals scream of insecurity.
Sucks…I still love club music, but I just can’t take the shear stupidness and (insecure) arrogance of the idiots in them.
I didn’t seem that ridiculous when I was clubbing every week end back in Miami, but then again, we were too wasted to care:)
Nice Post.
[...] months ago I wrote Behind the Bullshit: A Beginner’s Guide to Bars & Nightclubs, which ended up being the most popular read on the entire site. So tonight, we’re going to [...]
yes! new order! do it up!