Feb 22 2008
By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / February 22, 2008
Clubs can be an intimidating mix of strange odors, sweaty people, overpriced drinks, and shitty music to the uninitiated. So we’ve come up with a list of common questions the newcomer might ask. If you believe that we’ve missed something, email us your question at email@example.com.
Why is the music so bad, and why do they play the same songs ever week?
The DJ spins music for the female booty-shaking factor, not quality or variety. So save Another Green World for the car ride there.
Why does every girl/guy strive to buy club clothes that make them unique, but still end up looking the same as every other girl/guy in there?
What’s up with the two girls who are grinding with each other in the middle of the dance floor?
“Pleeease pay attention to us! Pleeeaaase!”
What’s up with the circle of guys standing around the two girls who are grinding with each other in the middle of the dance floor?
If anyone wants to make an argument that women are smarter than men, now’s the time.
Why is that guy watching the TV / playing with his phone / going to the bathroom every 5 minutes / going out for a smoke every 5 minutes?
One word: stalling.
Why are some bouncers/doormen complete assholes?
Because they realize that holding a cheap velvet rope for 3 hours is the most power they’ll ever possess in their lives.
Why do people wait until lines go around the block and cover charges are in effect before they head out to clubs?
Because they’re dumbasses.
I can’t dance.
Most people can’t, so who gives a fuck and just do it anyway. I sure as hell can’t (unless you spin some New Order or Madchester–long live Bez!).
I don’t like dancing. Can I still meet girls at a club?
Yes–at the bar, in line, near the coat check, in the booths, etc.
Why are the drinks so fucking expensive?
Because most of the club’s revenue comes from the alcohol, not the cover charges. And people will stay pay for it, just as they still pay $3.39 for a gallon of gas.
What’s up with the girl who’s in line by herself, checking her cell phone every 20 seconds, keeps looking to the side, with her arms crossed over her chest?
1. She’s waiting for her friends or boyfriend.
2. She’s insecure that people will think that she’s going to a club by herself.
I hate clubs, but I hear they’re the best for practicing your game. Is this true?
Yes and no. If you have trouble talking to strangers, then they’re good in terms of the sheer volume of approaches you can make. If you’re looking for relationship material, then no.
Why do so many girls play with their phones in the club?
Because no guys are approaching them and they’re afraid of being perceived as undesirable.
I like girls who are into Heroes of Might and Magic IV, pre-8 1/2 Fellini films, Greek cooking, commnuity service, and the writings of J.G. Ballard. Is there any chance I’m going to meet a girl like that in a club?
What’s up with the meathead who walks around with a perpetual scowl on his face?
He believes that he’s acting like an “alpha male.” However, this behavior is neither “alpha” nor “male.”
Why do many clubs ban “Tims” (Timberland boots)?
Official Reason: “They’re informal and can scuff up dance floors.”
Unofficial Reason: “They’re too ‘hip hop’ for our desired Eurotrash vibe. That and we’re afraid of black people.”
Why don’t some bartenders say “thanks” you give them a tip?
Because they’re fucking rude.
I think I saw Boston Celtics reserve forward Brian Scalabrine in a bar once. Was it really him?
If this was a bar outside Boston, then yes. If this was a bar in Boston, then you probably just saw one of 16,793 registered Brian Scalabrine look-a-likes in the state of Massachusetts. And yes, V, that was Rajon Rondo (in non-Gumby form) you saw at the Burlington Mall Macy’s.
Why are so many girls standing around packt like sardines in a crushd tin box?
Because just as with any street gang or fraternity, they believe that confidence and protection only exists in groups.
Does “peacocking” work?
Yes, but only for guys who are already very social and high-energy. If you’re the low-key type an interesting prop would suit you better.
What are the 6 biggest mistakes guys make in the club?
From my own personal experience:
6. Ignoring a girl’s friends when you first start talking to her.
5. Circling around the club numerous times trying to see where the “hot girls” are.
4. Leaning in every time you talk to her.
3. Not speaking LOUD ENOUGH.
1. Going to clubs for the purpose of “picking up girls” as opposed to going just to have a fun time and be social. If you can’t have a good time by just being there, then find a venue you can actually enjoy.
I asked a girl to guess my nationality, but she didn’t know what the word “nationality” meant. Is she retarded?
Let me ask her cousin JFr—nevermind.
-The Boston Bachelor
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