The Boston Bachelor

BY THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / June 21, 2008

The Boston Celtics are World Champions.

The Boston Celtics are World Champions.

I’ve waited 20 years to say that.

Yet somehow I imagined this experience would feel more rewarding.

I watched my first NBA game when I was 5 years old. I don’t remember too much, other than a) the year was 1988 b) it was a Celtics-Lakers night game at The Forum c) it was on CBS, and d) the Celtics lost. Worst of all, at that precocious age I spent most of the game rooting back and forth for both the Celtics and the Lakers. Yeah—don’t look at me.

I officially began bleeding green during the 1988-1989 season, or the season when the proud Celtics dynasty began to crumble. Bird missed most of the season with injury, Chris Ford was head coach, the Celtics finished 42-40, and things looked desolate as all hell. Though the Celtics would somewhat rebound over the next few years, they never made past the second round of the Playoffs during the remainder of the Big 3’s reign.

I remember Bird’s final game, a Game 7 loss in the semi-finals against the Cavs. My lasting memory of Larry Legend is of Bird leading a fast break, where he faked a behind-the-back pass before hitting a runner at the top of the key. The NBC announcers hooped and hollered, referring to the play as one of Bird’s final tricks. And like that, my only childhood idol was gone.

I still believed. My folks didn’t have cable, and I lived a hair out of reach of the Boston local TV stations who broadcasted the game, so I would listen in to each game on the radio with the fervor of the young minister in There Will Be Blood. I would pound my fists on my desk in a 2-beat DE-FENSE chant, which annoyed the living end out of my older sister.

Hope resurfaced with a young Reggie Lewis. But he died.

Then came M.L. Carr.

A 15 win season.

Rick Pitino.

That’s when I gave up.

* * * * *

I met Greg V. my freshman year of college. The kid had the misfortune of beginning his devotion to the Celtics during the worst years of the franchise, i.e. the M.L./Pitino years. But there was something spectacular behind his belief in the Celtics. Something that made those who had fallen off the path recover their lost faith. Only one question remained: would the kid be leading us to salvation, or would he be a pied piper leading us off a cliff into eternal darkness?

* * * * *

Fast forward seven years.

The Celtics and the Lakers. You can’t write this shit any better, right? A network advertiser’s wet dream.

You fucking knew. You knew this was going to happen. Like the Sox vs. the Yankees in ‘04, the Celtics would have to take down its biggest rival to reach the promised land.

And after Game 4, when The Truth set us free, you knew the series was over. A mere, fucking formality. The only question would be when.

* * * * *

Johnny Most is dead.

Red is dead.

The Garden is no more.

The Celtics have cheerleaders, er, I mean, a dance team.

Players on rival teams hug each other after a game.

The Game has changed.

Reality has set in. Beating the Lakers in 2008 is not the same as it would have been in 1987. That unabashed jubilation I expected was not there. Maybe all I wanted was a final taste of childhood happiness. Maybe all I wanted was to rewrite my emotional history. Maybe I’m just a morbid fuck. Maybe I’ve changed. Maybe I’m amazed.

Or maybe this 17th Banner is more of a closure than a celebration. Maybe we can finally put to rest the spirits of Game 4 in the ‘87 NBA Finals, the passings of Len and Reggie, the decline of the Big 3, and the death of Red. Maybe a new door has been opened.

Maybe it’s time I stepped through it.

-The Boston Bachelor

BY THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / June 12, 2008

Alright folks, hot off the presses, here’s our exclusive tribute to the greatest Celtic of the past decade and a true Boston sports icon: Paul Pierce, a.k.a. “The Truth.” The man has shown his toughness and devotion to the franchise, and it’s about time he deserved some respect. This one’s for you, Paul. Bring home that 17th banner. For a limited time only, get your Paul Pierce “The Truth Shall Set You Free” shirt now.

BY THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / May 17, 2008

5. The disappearance of Ray Allen. Doc may be better off benching Ray Allen for Tony Allen at this point. Ray-Ray has shown that he’s incapable or unwilling to drive the ball to the hoop, despite being the most in-control basketball player on this planet (credit to V). Allen has also become a major defensive liability; at this point a Michael Jordan cardboard cutout being pulled on strings by Macaulay Culkin would make for a better perimeter defender.

4. Kevin Garnett mysteriously regains his sanity away from Boston. KG plays his best defense when he’s at his craziest, i.e. throwing punches at Leon Powe, smacking his head with the ball, patting Rondo on the head after rebounds, etc. KG needs to be the same defensive spark plug he is at home.

3. Too much emphasis on containment rather than winning. On the road, the Celtics seem to forget that the object of the game is to score points, not contain momentum. The road motto seems to be “How can we keep the other team’s stars and crowd from getting off?” rather than “Let’s win the fucking game.” As good as the Celtics defense has been on the road, it’s not the same type of defense that led to the league’s best regular season road record. The Celtics defense has always been best when it’s been in attack mode, actively forcing turnovers and creating fast-break opportunities. If we can’t dictate the pace of the game on the road, then we will lose. Yes, the Cavs are good in transition–but the Celtics are better.

2. Rajon Rondo returns from squirrel form to human form. Rondo is at his best when he’s at his squirrelly self (credit to Patty), dribbling through traffic, tossing up floaters, and causing nightmares for opposing point guards. Offensively, Rondo is the biggest X factor in this series—not Pierce or Allen. For the Celtics to win, the offense must be run successfully through Rondo. If Pierce has to run a majority of the offense on the road, then the Celtics will lose. And please Rondo—shoot the J when you’re open.

1. A slow half-court offense. On almost every possession, whether it’s rotating off the pick, finding the open perimeter shooter, putting up a reverse layup, or driving to the rim, our offense looks a half-second too slow (even without Kendrick Perkins on the floor). As a result, our opponents are beating us to our spots and don’t have to resort to committing fouls on the defensive end. Just about every time a Celtic catches the ball and squares his body to the basket, there’s a defender in his face. The Celtics are also eating up too much of the 24 second clock before attacking the basket (again, please shoot the open jumper Rondo). No matter how good your defense is, it’s hard to win an NBA game when you only put up 69 points in 48 minutes.

And of course, there’s always Doc.

-The Boston Bachelor

PS: I have to admit that Doc did a decent coaching job in Game 6 of the Celtics-Cavs series. But does that make me any more confident? C’mon…