The Boston Bachelor

Be forewarned.

Coming up next is the return of none other than Matty Roy, previously known as the most controversial writer to hit college campuses across the Eastern US (other than that UMass kid who made fun of Pat Tillman).

Though Roy and I don’t always see eye to eye on all issues, when it comes to raw honesty (as this is what TheBostonBachelor.com is all about), I’ve never personally met anyone who’s as brutally honest about his perspectives on life than this guy. Nor met anyone who managed to piss off so many readers (like this guy) during his weekly column “The Twilight Age” for Bentley College’s The Vanguard.

So without further ado, I present you with the words of the Salieri (of Basketball).

-The Boston Bachelor

Celtics Acquisition of Two Stars Has Them Poised For East Coast Domination

By THE SALIERI OF BASKETBALL / August 7, 2007

The Youth Movement moves west to Minnesota as Danny Ainge gives birth to a dynasty. After 15 years of wallowing in relative obscurity since the retirement of Lawrence Joe Bird, a formerly moribund Green Team appears poised to shit victories across the face of the National Basketball Association. Big green ‘W’ shaped horse apples should fill the standings in the coming season, as Boston’s most popular athletic franchise trots out a team that should decimate the league in a manner reminiscent of Josef Stalin. The reason for all the optimism that currently surrounds the Celtics of Boston is the result of two player acquisitions that have tipped the scales of power in the NBA and knocked the sports world on its collective ear.

Celtics Dictator of Basketball Operations Danny Ainge recently announced that superstar veterans Eddie House and Scot Pollard will be joining the 2007-2008 NBA Championship club. House, who has played for every NBA team to date except the Celtics is commonly considered to be amongst the top 138 outside shooters in the league. Last season he led a talented New Jersey Netz team to the playoffs with his gaudy 1.3 PPG average. Many analysts felt that with his exemplary shooting ability that he could have padded his scoring more, had he not been insistent on maintaining his 0.3 assists a night average. House, is widely known to be a consummate teammate, while Richard Jefferson described him as “One vicious Motherfucker”. Meanwhile, EHouse’s Soviet teammate Nenad Kristic praises his scoring ability from outside the arc, referring to him as “One of the best negro shooters in the league”.

The Celtics other major move this off-season revolved around wrestling F/C Scot Pollard from the defending Eastern Conference Champion Cleveland Cavs. Some analysts feel that had Pollard performed slightly better in the playoffs (2007 Playoff Statistics: 0.0 PPG, 0.0 RPG, 0.0 APG, 0.0 EFF Rating) that the heavily favored Cleveland collective could have toppled a mongrelized San Antonio Spurs squadron that consisted of a black Frenchman, a white South American, and a cola-colored center from the Virgin Islands. However true basketball statisticians are quick to recognize that Pollard has led the league for the past seven seasons in the all-important Hairstyles Per Game stat with an average HPG of 2.8 over that period. Insiders feel that since the Celtics abandoned their colored headbands from the 2002-2003 season, their poor HPG rating has been the major source of their recent woes.

It’ll take some time before the new acquisitions begin to gel with the Celtics current core of Brian Scalabrine, Brandon Wallace, and Michael Olowakandi. But one Celtic in particular couldn’t be more thrilled with the talents of his new teammates. When asked if he thought that House and Pollard would prove to be an upgrade over the departed stalwarts Al Jefferson and Gerald Green, Kendrick Perkins responded “Shit yes! Eddie house – 10 fingers; Gerald Green – 9 fingers. You do the fuckin’ math.”

Wise words from an ecstatic future Hall of Famer who proves that you don’t need to go to college to understand the simple arithmetic at hand. One thing is for sure: The 2007-08 incarnation of the Boston Celtics is better than last year’s model.

-The Salieri of Basketball

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / August 1, 2007

Are you kidding me?

In less than 5 weeks the Boston Celtics went from the 2nd worst team in the league to the team to beat in the Eastern Conference.

Never would I have thought this possible. Not with this front office. Not with this team. Maybe with the Red Sox or the Patriots, but never with the Celtics. Not unless Red Aurebach climbed out of his grave, hopped into his SL convertible (cigar in one hand, steering wheel in the other), and crashed into Danny Ainge’s office like it was the police station in The Terminator.

But unless he’s buried somewhere in Pet Cemetery, the sad Pitino truth is that Red Aurebach isn’t walking through that door.

So then, how did this miracle happen?

Here’s the most rational explanation I could come up with:

5/22/2007: A record number of Celtics fans tune in to the 2007 NBA Draft Lottery night with baited breath, hoping that this would be the turning point of a long-suffering dynasty (Reggie Lewis, Len Bias, and Tim Duncan there of). Meanwhile, behind the draft curtains Portland Trailblazers owner and Microsoft bazillionaire Paul Allen promises David Stern one crazy night of group sex with all members of the Portland Trailblazers cheerleaders and a Kevin Duckworth throwback jersey in exchange for the 1st lottery pick. David Stern accepts, and the rest is ping pong history, causing legions of Celtics fans to erupt in disgust: http://dimemag.com/2007/05/23/lottery-night-for-celtics-fans/

6/27/2007: Ainge, realizing the Celtics chances for getting a guaranteed franchise player in the draft are shot, begins making calls to various NBA GMs across the league. All hang up on him immediately after he mentions the word “Scalabrine” as possible trade bait.

6/28/2007: Ainge’s perserverance finally pays minutes before the draft begins by making a deal for the Sonics’ Ray Allen. Celtics fans react with mixed emotions upon hearing the news. Ainge nearly fucks the deal up by referring to Ray Allen as “the black Jesus who beat Denzel in a game of one-on-one.”

6/29/2007: Paul Pierce takes his house off the market.

7/25/2007: Ainge is visited at midnight by the ghost of Red, who shows him what the future would be like- if things were to continue along the current path. Some of the images Ainge sees include Vin Baker rising to Celtics GM and Sebastian Telfair shooting Paul Pierce 9 times.

7/26/2007: Ainge calls up good friend and former teammate Kevin “the Spaghetti Man” McHale to inquire about Kevin Garnett. McHale laughs at Ainge, hangs up, then folds some sweaters.

7/30/2007: Not so easily deterred, Ainge flies to Minnesota to plead with McHale in person. After Ainge starts quoting verse from the Book of Mormon, McHale finally relents and agrees to put a KG deal out on the table- on the condition that Ainge has to dress up like “The Riddler” and run into Celtics President Chris Gotham’s office yelling “I’m Batman!!”

7/31/2007: With some help from Bill Walton’s bong and the Chief’s personal stash, Ainge convinces McHale to sign off on the most brilliant trade in recent Celtics memory.
Somewhere in Atkinson, NH, diehard Celtics fan Greg V. is crying.

So stand up, clap your hands, and give the man his due. Because Danny Ainge just pulled a Keyser Soze on the rest of the NBA and left the Eastern Conference shitting in its pants.

I can imagine John Paxson and Joe Dumars sitting in their offices right now scratching their heads, wondering how the hell Danny Ainge got the best of them. Well I’ll tell you how.

They just forgot, forgot about Danny Ainge, that’s all.

-The Boston Bachelor