The Boston Bachelor

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / January 8, 2008

Just a reminder–tonight at 9 pm EDT The Babe and The Bachelor returns from the holiday break to reveal all about the secret society of pickup artists.  We’ll see you then.

-The Boston Bachelor

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / December 24, 2007

In tribute to Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, Spanakopita Day, or whatever holiday you celebrate, here’s some brilliant words of wisdom from Owen Cook’s The Blueprint.  Enjoy.

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A poor guy has an identity crisis.  Maybe the problem starts when he gets a feeling that a girl might like him.  He imagines a connection with her and all sorts of shared experiences that don’t exist yet.

He thinks that there’s all this unspoken sexual tension going on beneath the surface.  He even pictures his girl when he listens to all the romantic songs on the radio.  But inevitably, he figures out that his projection doesn’t exist in any shared reality that includes the girl.  To realize that it’s all in his head – that the girl doesn’t actually reciprocate the way that he feels… or think about him while he’s thinking about her…  It’s a hard pill to swallow.

Let’s imagine instead that our poor guy already has a girlfriend.  The problems start for him when he finds out that she’s been cheating.  He’d idealized the relationship.  It felt good.  In order to stay infatuated with his girl, he had screened out any sketchiness and focused on her best attributes and the most fun times that they’d had.  Together, he and his girl had come up with all sorts of shared idealizations that had made their relationship strong.

There were many things that they’d expressed to one another as a way of reinforcing their love.  They remembered the first place that they’d met, gone out, and had sex.  They had a special reason for why they’d met and were still together, that other couples didn’t have.  Their “thing.”  It wasn’t something that they could get from anyone else, so they could feel totally secure to feel their love without fear of loss.  It was not replaceable.

And to make it even stronger, they had continually re-articulated to one another that it would last… “FOREVER.”

What’s funny is that when it ends, all of these special feelings might still be there.  It’s just that there are now all of these new, bad feelings that go along with them.  He wants to feel like he did before.  His reality comes crashing down around him.  He reaches out for his girl to validate their old shared reality, but she is gone from him.  The girl that existed for him no longer exists.  She was a figment of his imagination.  The face that he saw was one of many faces that she had.

He doesn’t realize it, but he has many such faces himself.  We all have different faces for people who have a different value to us.  Are you the same person when you talk to a pushy vagrant asking for spare change as you are when you talk to your mother?  How would a person’s experience of you differ, depending on their value to you?  What he saw in her was the face that a person shows to someone who has value to them.  It is such an easy face to look at.  Like looking into the mirror, and seeing the most beautiful face in the entire world.

“Wait… She’s not seeing things clearly. What about our ‘thing?’  Doesn’t she realize that she can’t get it from him?  Nobody can love her like I can.  Hang on.  She fucked this new guy the first time they hung out?  OK, that just doesn’t make sense because she said that she always waited three months with a guy to make it special.  What?!  She fucked him on the couch where we had our first time together?!  No.  That was the special couch.  Doesn’t this bitch remember that that was the SPECIAL COUCH?!?!”

He rationalizes that she’s just confused.  He won’t give up on love.  He resolves to “win her back.”  But he has gone from being her boyfriend to being more like all those other guys from her fan club.  He is everything that her new guy is not.

And she feels a little bad for him, for sure.  But as she walks out the door from the “one last meeting” that he begged her for, her face of pity turns into a beaming smile for her new guy waiting outside to pick her up.

She goes on and enjoys her life without a thought.  He sits around thinking about her, pining for a girl who doesn’t share his reality anymore.  And though he will never admit it to himself, deep down he sees the worst of himself in her.  Because under different circumstances, he knows that he might have done the same thing.  Maybe if their relationship had staled.  Or if he had met a certain other girl.  So he mopes around for a while, until the feelings of emptiness start to subside.  Then, once he’s ready, he begins the process of re-establishing himself.

He shifts his focus from his loss to superficial areas in which he can improve himself.  He focuses on his status conveying intermediaries such as his credentials, career, property, vehicle, clothing, jewelry, and so on.  He’s a together guy.  He’ll get it under control.  Time passes.  His life improves to an extent.  But he is still alone.

Through our social conditioning, we come to understand “love” in a way that’s often more focused towards idealism than it is towards accurately defining the phenomenon.  Writers and philosophers have long debated the meaning of the term, without ever coming to any consensus.  In some cultures, there are even multiple words used to define “love.”

Many people conceive of love as having supernatural properties. They might believe that every person has only one perfect soulmate. Or that true love will always last forever. Or that people can fall in love only a certain number of times. They might even believe that fate will cause love to “just happen” when the time is right. With faith that there are such powerful forces at work, it isn’t surprising that people will often intensify their feelings with the belief that they are following their hearts.

Think back to the last time that you felt that you were in love.  How did you know?  Was it a feeling of attraction?  Was it a feeling of connection?  Was it a feeling of lust?  Was it feeling of physical attachment?  Was it a feeling of underlying one-ness?  Was it feeling of anxious emotional co-dependence?  Was it a combination of those things?  Is love an old couple sitting on their porch, comfortable in their long established routines?  Is it two teenagers locked in passion in the back seat or their car, scrambling for a condom?  Is it a pair of newlyweds, gazing into each other’s eyes as they take their matrimonial vows?

It’s often said that love is self-hypnosis; a beautiful psychosis that takes hold and prompts us to act in ways that we would otherwise not even consider.  Love is not something that is caused by another person.  We cause it in ourselves.  As we loop our thoughts over and over around our concept of a particular person, our mind shifts the way that we perceive them and finds ways to make sense of it.  Suddenly, everything seems so simple.  It’s love.  And as it takes hold, our physical body follows suit, spinning and intensifying our emotional chemistry until we are fully enraptured.

For some people, love can be an opportunity to have a partner on their journey.  It can be a chance for them to fully experience and understand another person, and to have that person do the same for them in return.  A loving relationship between two people can be healthy and cultivate spiritual and physical growth.  It can be one of the most pleasurable and important experiences that a person has over the course of his or her entire life.

But that depends on whether or not the person is ready for it.  Because the idea of love can also be destructive.  For some people, it can be a self-deception that they can focus on as a way to avoid facing their shortcomings.  People will often rationalize that any strong emotional reaction that they feel towards another person is a sign that they are “in love.”

They might have worked themselves into an infatuation with someone who doesn’t reciprocate their interest, and rationalized that it’s something that would make them feel complete.  They might desperately crave a person’s attention, and rationalize the anxious feeling of need for their approval as being love-butterflies fluttering around in their stomach.  In a relationship, they might leave their partner, because they rationalize that their loss of novel infatuation is a sign that they have fallen out of love.  And later, they might have trouble finding someone new, and rationalize that they lost the love of their life.

There are people who will fall in love with anyone who will have them.  They are eager, and in love with the idea of being in love.  There are other people who fear falling in love.  They are jaded, and create emotional barriers to prevent themselves from being hurt in the future.  Ultimately, people process their experiences through a fog of emotions, and create and intensify these occurrences in their own minds.

As we said, a person can feel an increase in their sense of acceptance by being in a specific situation.  And in the same way, a person can feel an increase in their value by being with a specific person.

When a person’s sense of acceptance and identity is tied up in another person, they are dependent on that person to feel good about themselves.  And because of that, they become reactive in their relationship.  They focus their thoughts more towards the pain of possibly losing the other person than on the pleasure of being themselves.  Once that happens, their behaviour becomes less attractive to their partner, and their partner’s feeling of love towards them begins to subside.  Perhaps then, it is only the person who doesn’t need social acceptance to feel good, who can really appreciate being in love.  Is it possible, that it is only when you don’t need love that you will find it?

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-The Boston Bachelor

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / December 18, 2007

Tune in Tuesday, January 8th at 9 pm EDT on The Babe and The Bachelor for this extra-special show:

1.  Pickup Artists.  In the mid-90s, a group of men from all over the world converged over the Internet to master the one part of their lives that forever eluded them–women.  Years later, mostly due to Neil Strauss’ 2005 bestselling memoir The Game, the “pickup artist” phenomenon is alive more than ever–from books to DVDs to seminars to reality TV shows such as VH-1′s The Pick Up Artist.  Who are these pickup artists that go under the pseudonyms of Mystery, Style, David DeAngelo, Carlos Xuma, Tyler Durden, and Zan?  What do they really teach, and do their methods work?  Tune in to learnan in insider’s perspective on the facts and the myths about this fascinating underground society.

2.  Getting physical on the first date.

3.  10 fun, (almost) free places to take a date.

4.  Questions from our callers… (please, no closeted admirers this time.)
  

AND MORE…

Call in during the show at (646) 595-3961.

See you tonight.

-The Boston Bachelor

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / December 11, 2007

Tune in tonight at 9 pm EDT on The Babe and The Bachelor as we discuss:

1. How to talk to girls–from the first approach to the first date, we dissect the do’s, the don’ts, and unwitting mistakes guys make when talking to girls.

2. “Alpha males.” Do they only exist on National Geographic or are they relevant to our society as well?  And what is it about “alpha males” that attracts the opposites sex?

3. Flipping the script: the secrets of guys who have women buying them gifts, expensive dinners, driving them around, etc.

4. Questions from our callers.

AND MORE…

Call in during the show at (646) 595-3961.

See you tonight.

-The Boston Bachelor

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / December 4, 2007

Live tonight at 9 pm EDT on The Babe and The Bachelor:

1.  Is it ever OK to be jealous?

2.  Gifts and other crap–if, when, and what to buy.

3.  You may be fucking up your chances as soon as you open your mouth without even knowing it.  Here’s why…

4.  Questions from our callers.

AND MORE…
 

You can call in anytime during the show at (646) 595-3961.

See you then.
 
-The Boston Bachelor

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / November 27, 2007

Tonight at 9 pm EDT on The Babe and The Bachelor:

1. Do manners fucking matter anymore? Is it a one-way ticket to being her “boy” friend or the beginning steps towards a great relationship? The answer could surprise you.

2. Why are some men “naturals” when it comes to dealing with women while other men go through life completely clueless? We dissect this down.

3. Tired of trying to meet quality women at bars and nightclubs? There’s many better options out there than you’d think.

4. Is it ever OK to be jealous? Here’s our answer…

5. Questions from our callers.

AND MORE…
Call in during the show at (646) 595-3961.

See you tonight.

-The Boston Bachelor

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / November 19, 2007

Catch us now live every Tuesday night at 9 pm EDT.

This week on The Babe and The Bachelor:

1. What does gender equality really mean these days? We share our thoughts…

2. What the hell do you do if you still have feelings for your ex? We put our friend (and guinea pig) V under interrogation as we attempt to exorcise that lingering love potion from his body.

3. An update on our online dating experiment.

4. What do “good manners” really mean in today’s dating world, and when should they be used? We debate this hotly contested topic…

5. Questions from our callers.

AND MORE…
You can call in anytime during the show at (646) 595-3961.

See you then.

-The Boston Bachelor

How to Look Like Billy Walsh and Get Laid Like Vinny Chase

A few weeks ago, I ran across the following post during a Google search: http://www.dcbachelor.com/2005/top-9-dating-tips-for-women.

Intrigued, I contacted the site’s author, Roosh Valizadeh, who was kind enough to send over a copy of his book Bang for review…

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / November 12, 2007

Simply put, Bang is Roosh Valizedah’s 140-page manifesto on getting laid.

Roosh, formerly known as “DC Bachelor,” runs a personal blog dedicated to his tales and travels (with an emphasis on sex and women, of course) at www.RooshV.com. The 28 year-old former microbiologist spent most of his life frustrated with his lack of success with women until one fateful spring day in 2001–when he discovered the innocuously-titled Tony’s Lay Guide after clicking through a random link on a message board.

Now six years and countless encounters later, Roosh has written his own instruction manual on rounding-the-bases with the opposite sex. Now, the question you’re probably pondering is: Does this guy know what he’s talking about?

I believe so. Bang is a dense but informative read, full of advice even the most weathered Casanovas and “pick-up artists” can appreciate. The book wastes no time in breaking things down bit-by-bit from the approach to the date to the bedroom. For those of you who are more familiar with the whole “pick-up community,” Bang strikes a good balance between the structured, sequential “Mystery Method” and the more free-flowing “Charisma Arts.”

If there’s one chapter that stands out more than others, it’s the one titled “Late Game,” which breaks down the step-by-step (or article of clothing-by-article of clothing) journey from the end of the date to the end of the orgasm. The chapter titled “Internal Game” is another highlight, as it discusses the most powerful sexual magnet of all–the human mind. The odds-and-ends Appendix also serves up a great variety of tidbits, from approaching girls in cars to dealing with girls who suck (in a bad way) in the sack. I do wish that more specifics on body language and its importance were presented in the book–a minor complaint, all in all.

Bang will probably serve most useful to those who are already experiencing some success with women, or who are at least taking steps (and seeing improvements) in their dating life. If you’re 23 years old and have never been on a date in your life, then you’re probably better off reading Neil Strauss’ The Game and David DeAngelo’s Double Your Dating first to eliminate skeptical or limiting beliefs and obtain a better understanding of why women do the sometimes crazy things that they do.

Like all other decent pick-up books, Bang is simply one man’s method: nothing less, nothing more. It’s just one more tool in your ever-growing repertoire. So keep an open mind, incorporate what helps, and disregard what doesn’t. There’s always more than one way to skin a cat–or get laid, for that matter.

-The Boston Bachelor

Tonight (11/6) at 11 pm EDT Frankie Picasso and I will be premiering our new live Internet radio show, The Babe and The Bachelor. Check in with us as we discuss and argue:

1. How all men can easily improve their looks by at least 2-3 “points”… without spending a fortune.

2. What does gender equality really mean these days?

3. Why is it that some men are naturally good with women, while other men go through life completely cluess?

4. The best mens’ colognes on the market… callers please chime in on this one.

5. Questions from our callers.

AND MORE…

You can call in anytime during the show at (646) 595-3961.

See you tonight.

-The Boston Bachelor

Number 4: Being a “Nice Guy” Is Not the Same As “Being Yourself”

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / October 19, 2007 

“But I just want to be myself.”

Who’s ever heard that whiny slice of cheese from a guy before?

The kicker is, “being yourself” really does work.  No lie.  The thing is, being yourself only works if you’re truly being yourself—i.e., the same guy who sings along to New Order at the top of his lungs while he’s driving; the same guy who teases his best friends about their choice in movies; the same guy who’s always there for those who’ve earned a place in his inner circle.

Unfortunately, when most guys say they just want to “be themselves,” what they’re really saying is “I want to keep doing what I’m doing because I can’t accept the fact that I have certain weaknesses or that I’m wrong.”  I know this because I was once one of those guys (cue sad music).

If a really fat person (and I mean orca fat) came up to you and said, “I don’t want to lose weight because that’s not being myself,” how many seconds would you last before you burst out laughing?  It’s the exact same thing with someone who has trouble attracting women because he can’t hold eye contact, always mumbles, and dresses like he just stepped off the set of White Men Can’t Jump.  How would you react if he told you, “I don’t want to learn about dressing well or proper speech etiquette because that’s not being myself.”  Call me crazy, but that’s some craaazy-ass shit.

The same goes with the self-championed “nice guy.”  Deep down you’re not as “nice” and “sexually non-threatening” as you claim to be, and you know that (and so does the porn collection on your hard drive).  Like the rest of us, you have certain values and interests you love—and some you despise and ridicule.  Like the rest of us, there were times in 8th Grade Science class where you couldn’t go to the chalkboard because of certain involuntary episodes of groinal rigor mortis.  And like the rest of us, you also check out the hot bartender’s ass when she turns around to make your drink.  So stop pretending to be a saintly eunuch, especially in the presence of women.  Have you ever had a boss who was a complete asshole, but acted like a complete doormat in the presence of an attractive woman?  Exactly—don’t be that guy.

We all have the same desires and passions; it’s just that many of us (the “nice guys”) choose to repress or mask our innate qualities, whereas the rest of us choose to accept them.  So the next time you’re out with a woman, stop peddling the fuzzy bullshit.  Don’t be afraid to tell her what you really like and dislike, or to tease her about her Nurse Betty Collector’s Edition Box Set.

Unfortunately, today’s society seems to push more and more of that “be the fake nice guy” crap in movies, television, and advertising; just turn on any romantic comedy or NBC sitcom.  So what’s left?  A whole lot of frustrated men, and just as many frustrated, sexually-unsatisfied women.  But remember: unless you live in North Korea, the ultimate responsibility for change still rests in your hands.

Like the kid in The Chocolate War who refused to sell those stupid candy bars, sometimes you have to ask yourself the question: “Do I dare disturb the universe?”

You should already know the answer to that one.
 

UPDATE: November 1, 2007

Table 1.  Being a ”Nice Guy” vs. Being Yourself

-The Boston Bachelor