The Boston Bachelor

BY THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / June 21, 2008

The Boston Celtics are World Champions.

The Boston Celtics are World Champions.

I’ve waited 20 years to say that.

Yet somehow I imagined this experience would feel more rewarding.

I watched my first NBA game when I was 5 years old. I don’t remember too much, other than a) the year was 1988 b) it was a Celtics-Lakers night game at The Forum c) it was on CBS, and d) the Celtics lost. Worst of all, at that precocious age I spent most of the game rooting back and forth for both the Celtics and the Lakers. Yeah—don’t look at me.

I officially began bleeding green during the 1988-1989 season, or the season when the proud Celtics dynasty began to crumble. Bird missed most of the season with injury, Chris Ford was head coach, the Celtics finished 42-40, and things looked desolate as all hell. Though the Celtics would somewhat rebound over the next few years, they never made past the second round of the Playoffs during the remainder of the Big 3’s reign.

I remember Bird’s final game, a Game 7 loss in the semi-finals against the Cavs. My lasting memory of Larry Legend is of Bird leading a fast break, where he faked a behind-the-back pass before hitting a runner at the top of the key. The NBC announcers hooped and hollered, referring to the play as one of Bird’s final tricks. And like that, my only childhood idol was gone.

I still believed. My folks didn’t have cable, and I lived a hair out of reach of the Boston local TV stations who broadcasted the game, so I would listen in to each game on the radio with the fervor of the young minister in There Will Be Blood. I would pound my fists on my desk in a 2-beat DE-FENSE chant, which annoyed the living end out of my older sister.

Hope resurfaced with a young Reggie Lewis. But he died.

Then came M.L. Carr.

A 15 win season.

Rick Pitino.

That’s when I gave up.

* * * * *

I met Greg V. my freshman year of college. The kid had the misfortune of beginning his devotion to the Celtics during the worst years of the franchise, i.e. the M.L./Pitino years. But there was something spectacular behind his belief in the Celtics. Something that made those who had fallen off the path recover their lost faith. Only one question remained: would the kid be leading us to salvation, or would he be a pied piper leading us off a cliff into eternal darkness?

* * * * *

Fast forward seven years.

The Celtics and the Lakers. You can’t write this shit any better, right? A network advertiser’s wet dream.

You fucking knew. You knew this was going to happen. Like the Sox vs. the Yankees in ‘04, the Celtics would have to take down its biggest rival to reach the promised land.

And after Game 4, when The Truth set us free, you knew the series was over. A mere, fucking formality. The only question would be when.

* * * * *

Johnny Most is dead.

Red is dead.

The Garden is no more.

The Celtics have cheerleaders, er, I mean, a dance team.

Players on rival teams hug each other after a game.

The Game has changed.

Reality has set in. Beating the Lakers in 2008 is not the same as it would have been in 1987. That unabashed jubilation I expected was not there. Maybe all I wanted was a final taste of childhood happiness. Maybe all I wanted was to rewrite my emotional history. Maybe I’m just a morbid fuck. Maybe I’ve changed. Maybe I’m amazed.

Or maybe this 17th Banner is more of a closure than a celebration. Maybe we can finally put to rest the spirits of Game 4 in the ‘87 NBA Finals, the passings of Len and Reggie, the decline of the Big 3, and the death of Red. Maybe a new door has been opened.

Maybe it’s time I stepped through it.

-The Boston Bachelor

BY THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / May 17, 2008

5. The disappearance of Ray Allen. Doc may be better off benching Ray Allen for Tony Allen at this point. Ray-Ray has shown that he’s incapable or unwilling to drive the ball to the hoop, despite being the most in-control basketball player on this planet (credit to V). Allen has also become a major defensive liability; at this point a Michael Jordan cardboard cutout being pulled on strings by Macaulay Culkin would make for a better perimeter defender.

4. Kevin Garnett mysteriously regains his sanity away from Boston. KG plays his best defense when he’s at his craziest, i.e. throwing punches at Leon Powe, smacking his head with the ball, patting Rondo on the head after rebounds, etc. KG needs to be the same defensive spark plug he is at home.

3. Too much emphasis on containment rather than winning. On the road, the Celtics seem to forget that the object of the game is to score points, not contain momentum. The road motto seems to be “How can we keep the other team’s stars and crowd from getting off?” rather than “Let’s win the fucking game.” As good as the Celtics defense has been on the road, it’s not the same type of defense that led to the league’s best regular season road record. The Celtics defense has always been best when it’s been in attack mode, actively forcing turnovers and creating fast-break opportunities. If we can’t dictate the pace of the game on the road, then we will lose. Yes, the Cavs are good in transition–but the Celtics are better.

2. Rajon Rondo returns from squirrel form to human form. Rondo is at his best when he’s at his squirrelly self (credit to Patty), dribbling through traffic, tossing up floaters, and causing nightmares for opposing point guards. Offensively, Rondo is the biggest X factor in this series—not Pierce or Allen. For the Celtics to win, the offense must be run successfully through Rondo. If Pierce has to run a majority of the offense on the road, then the Celtics will lose. And please Rondo—shoot the J when you’re open.

1. A slow half-court offense. On almost every possession, whether it’s rotating off the pick, finding the open perimeter shooter, putting up a reverse layup, or driving to the rim, our offense looks a half-second too slow (even without Kendrick Perkins on the floor). As a result, our opponents are beating us to our spots and don’t have to resort to committing fouls on the defensive end. Just about every time a Celtic catches the ball and squares his body to the basket, there’s a defender in his face. The Celtics are also eating up too much of the 24 second clock before attacking the basket (again, please shoot the open jumper Rondo). No matter how good your defense is, it’s hard to win an NBA game when you only put up 69 points in 48 minutes.

And of course, there’s always Doc.

-The Boston Bachelor

PS: I have to admit that Doc did a decent coaching job in Game 6 of the Celtics-Cavs series. But does that make me any more confident? C’mon…

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / April 21, 2008

Alright folks, first I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you.

The bad news: The Babe and The Bachelor will be no more as of Tuesday, 4/29, which will be our last show.

The good news: My good friend V will be filling in as a special guest host for tonight’s show and next week’s finale.

Now onto the details for tonight’s show:

• Two months ago I wrote Behind the Bullshit: A Beginner’s Guide to Bars & Nightclubs, which ended up being the most popular read on the entire site. So tonight, we’re going to follow it up with a no-holds-barred discussion on the absurd nature of the bar and club scene. You don’t want to miss this.
• Online dating. From Match.com to Yahoo! Personals to CrazyBlindDate.com, we share our personal experiences in the world of online dating.
• The NBA Playoffs. Yeah, it’s off-topic, but it’s too important not to mention. We break down every single series and announce our picks.
• And other shit we feel like discussing…

Click here to tune in tonight beginning at 8 pm EDT…

-The Boston Bachelor

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / April 10, 2008

Stay tuned for next week’s video, “Dropped Passes with Kendrick Perkins.”

Mid-Range Game with Sam Cassell

Rebounding with Dwight Howard

Shot Blocking with Emeka Okafor

Post Moves with Carlos Boozer

Jump Shooting with Ray Allen

Passing with Steve Nash

Moving without the Ball with Rip Hamilton

Man-to-Man Defense with Bruce Bowen (Yeah, I snickered too)

Taking the Charge with Shane Battier (Floor)

-The Boston Bachelor

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / January 24, 2008

Our picks, predictions, and observations thus far for this year’s fantasy hoops season:
  

Get’em While You Still Can

Ryan Gomes
Travis Outlaw

  
Trade’em While You Still Can

Tracy McGrady
John Salmons

  
I Can’t Believe I Drafted This Fucking Guy

Ben Wallace
Kirk Hinrich
Gilbert Arenas

  
All-Injury Team

Shaquille O’Neal
Tracy McGrady
Gilbert Arenas
T.J. Ford
Grant Hill (Tenured)

  
Monuments of Inconsistency

Rashad McCants
Linas Kleiza
Rajon Rondo
Tayshaun Prince
Derek Fisher
Devin Harris
Yi Jianlian
Jason Kapono
Jamario Moon
Joe Smith
Daniel Gibson

  
Getting Better by the Minute

Nick Collison
Monta Ellis
Jose Calderon
Ryan Gomes
Travis Outlaw
Mike Conley Jr.
Andrew Bogut
Caron Butler
Chris Bosh
Rudy Gay
Big Al
Chris Paul
Deron Williams
Tyson Chandler
Dwight Howard
Andrew Bynum

  
Fast Start, Slow Finish

Tracy McGrady
Manu Ginobili
Damien Wilkins

  
Slow Start, Fast Finish

Amare Stoudamire
Pau Gasol
Dwayne Wade
Tim Duncan
Ben Gordon

  
Bargain Bin Free Agents That Make Your Team Suck Slightly Less

Nate Robinson
Marko Jaric
Wally Sczerbiak

  
Can’t Go Wrong

Lebron James
Chris Paul
Dwight Howard
Joe Johnson
Josh Howard
Josh Smith
Carlos Boozer
Antawn Jamison

  
Surprise! I’m Actually a Good Player

Chris Kaman
Hedo Turkoglu

  
My Stats Don’t Dictate How Much I Really Suck

Kendrick Perkins
Mark Blount

  
Who?

Thabo Sefolosha
  

-The Boston Bachelor

Up next is an article written by my good friend Vemis. I’ve known the kid since his Saab 900 days, so please give a warm welcome to “The Salieri of Writing.” If you’d like to give feedback to the kid (angry religious folks and Celtics fans are especially welcome), email him at gvemis@gmail.com. So please stand up and give praise to a man about to ruminate on two of his favorite topics: the Boston Celtics and The Shawshank Redemption.

-The Boston Bachelor

The Shawshank Redemption is Faaaantastic!

By THE SALIERI OF WRITING / August 14, 2007

ANDY DUFRESNE:

When Andy first arrived at Shawshank Prison in 1947 it looked like a stiff breeze would tip him over. He was a tall lanky white man with a shadow of mystery about him. He had a casual stride and a drooping gaze as if he didn’t have a care in the world. He caught the attention of several inmates including Red, who doubted his fortitude from the beginning and didn’t think he would last the night. The rest is movie history– Red lost a pack of smokes, Fat Ass would spend the night in the infirmary, and not so much as a mouse fart would come out of Andy’s cell.

Was there a tall white player in the NBA that didn’t look all that good (i.e. he was ugly), and raised doubts among NBA critics before even entering the league? That’s right, you guessed it- Larry Joe Bird. Like Andy, Larry would quickly dismiss his critics and gain the respect and admiration of everyone around him.

Dufresne and Bird may be the closest reincarnation to the second coming of Christ that this world will ever see. Flashback to the scene of Andy’s outstretched arms, pointing to the heavens, thanking his Father for the redemption of paying penance for the sin of another man. It was a baptismal cleansing of shit so foul that you can’t even imagine. In many ways, the journey through that tunnel of excrement was symbolic of his ill-fated life up to that point. Throughout it all he would make the best of his situation and perform acts that weren’t thought possible amongst his peers- whether it was playing The Marriage of Figaro over the loud speakers, getting a 12 pack of suds for his friends, or tunneling through a 6 foot wall of concrete with a spoon. He represented the consummate human being in terms of bonding, character, and an enduring hope for a better life in the future.

Although I can’t say Larry was a stand up individual off the court (i.e. he was an asshole) his acts on the court were nothing short of miraculous. The reaction from the Hawks bench during Larry’s 60 point explosion in 85 must have been similar to the reactions Jesus received when he walked on water. Bird would defy disbelief throughout his career with his no look passes, clutch shooting, and timely defensive stops. He was the consummate basketball player whose unselfish style improved the play of his teammates and in return, garnered their respect. Larry Bird, The Basketball Jesus, was the Andy Dufresne of the NBA. In fact, if Larry or Andy were pinned to the cross instead of Jesus, I might actually consider overlooking the hypocrisy of the Catholic Church and attend service every Sunday.

BROOKS HATLEN:

If I had to pick one player in the NBA that just won’t make it on the outside it would have to be Sebastian Telfair. Is there any doubt that the proclaimed next Magic Johnson, the pride of NYC hoops, the Coney Island Hope will be playing as a backup point guard to Yotam Halperin for Maccabi Tel Aviv in a few years? Imagine Sebastian’s surprise when he realizes that an AK47 isn’t a player who chokes in the playoffs and cries in the locker room. He’s going to have to replace his .35 caliber hiding in his suped up Caddy with something more fitting for Hamas rules. In this regard, Sebastian may be the most likely NBA player to commit suicide. It’s only a matter of time before the following is carved above a beam in the Timberwolves locker room: “Bassy was here…. So was Starburry.”

Brooks was a fixture for generations at Shawshank Prison. The Shawshank Redemption without Brooks Hatlen is like the NBA without Tommy Heinsohn. Tommy has been in the NBA for over 50 years as a player, head coach, and announcer. Can you imagine anybody else announcing Celtics games other than Tommy Heinsohn? I’m waiting for the night he drinks one too many Jack Daniels before a game and Fox Sports threatens to fire him if he doesn’t clean up his act. This will lead Tommy to take a knife to Gorman’s neck as Cornbread tries to talk him out of it.

I have to give this award to Telfair over Heinsohn for the single reason that Tommy could have easily made it on the outside earning a living as a professional painter. Not only that, Tommy would never consider taking his life with the Redhead from Needham as his wife. I’m with Tommy when it comes to redheads. There’s just something about them that lights a fire under Frank. Just take a look at the picture of Lindsay Lohan from the previous post and tell me that a boner the size of Florida isn’t filling up your pants.

BOGGS (THE SISTERS):

I have to be real careful here. I promised myself I wouldn’t make any John Amaechi jokes in fear that Tim Hardaway would post something blatantly homophobic.

Perhaps the most fitting NBA equivalent would be Isiah Thomas. Has there ever been another GM in sports history that has taken it up the ass more than Zeke? How else can you explain the $89 million bloated salary on a bunch of shoot-first selfish players? Now that Isaiah has crowned himself head coach, every hardcore NBA fan is salivating over the comedic potential of this freak show. This team will be so bad that even the Hawks will be slapping each other on the ass. My guess is that it will be three months before Knick’s owner James Dolan realizes how much his team blows and sends Isiah packing down with the Sodomites.

FAT ASS:

At 6’9” tall and weighing in at a butterballian 289 pounds, Big Baby Davis takes the Fat Ass prize by a long shot. If Big Baby ever hit the glass at Cedardale he would take out Barry Humphries and cause a tsunami that would spill over into Cedarland. I have never seen such girth on a professional basketball player since Tractor Traylor stomped the hardwood.

I can only hope he turns out to be a solid contributor off the bench for the Celtics this season. I hope that Danny Ainge can bring in some solid contributors to complement the big three. I hope the 17th banner is as green as it is in my dreams… I hope….

In Memory of Milt Palacio.

-The Salieri of Writing

Be forewarned.

Coming up next is the return of none other than Matty Roy, previously known as the most controversial writer to hit college campuses across the Eastern US (other than that UMass kid who made fun of Pat Tillman).

Though Roy and I don’t always see eye to eye on all issues, when it comes to raw honesty (as this is what TheBostonBachelor.com is all about), I’ve never personally met anyone who’s as brutally honest about his perspectives on life than this guy. Nor met anyone who managed to piss off so many readers (like this guy) during his weekly column “The Twilight Age” for Bentley College’s The Vanguard.

So without further ado, I present you with the words of the Salieri (of Basketball).

-The Boston Bachelor

Celtics Acquisition of Two Stars Has Them Poised For East Coast Domination

By THE SALIERI OF BASKETBALL / August 7, 2007

The Youth Movement moves west to Minnesota as Danny Ainge gives birth to a dynasty. After 15 years of wallowing in relative obscurity since the retirement of Lawrence Joe Bird, a formerly moribund Green Team appears poised to shit victories across the face of the National Basketball Association. Big green ‘W’ shaped horse apples should fill the standings in the coming season, as Boston’s most popular athletic franchise trots out a team that should decimate the league in a manner reminiscent of Josef Stalin. The reason for all the optimism that currently surrounds the Celtics of Boston is the result of two player acquisitions that have tipped the scales of power in the NBA and knocked the sports world on its collective ear.

Celtics Dictator of Basketball Operations Danny Ainge recently announced that superstar veterans Eddie House and Scot Pollard will be joining the 2007-2008 NBA Championship club. House, who has played for every NBA team to date except the Celtics is commonly considered to be amongst the top 138 outside shooters in the league. Last season he led a talented New Jersey Netz team to the playoffs with his gaudy 1.3 PPG average. Many analysts felt that with his exemplary shooting ability that he could have padded his scoring more, had he not been insistent on maintaining his 0.3 assists a night average. House, is widely known to be a consummate teammate, while Richard Jefferson described him as “One vicious Motherfucker”. Meanwhile, EHouse’s Soviet teammate Nenad Kristic praises his scoring ability from outside the arc, referring to him as “One of the best negro shooters in the league”.

The Celtics other major move this off-season revolved around wrestling F/C Scot Pollard from the defending Eastern Conference Champion Cleveland Cavs. Some analysts feel that had Pollard performed slightly better in the playoffs (2007 Playoff Statistics: 0.0 PPG, 0.0 RPG, 0.0 APG, 0.0 EFF Rating) that the heavily favored Cleveland collective could have toppled a mongrelized San Antonio Spurs squadron that consisted of a black Frenchman, a white South American, and a cola-colored center from the Virgin Islands. However true basketball statisticians are quick to recognize that Pollard has led the league for the past seven seasons in the all-important Hairstyles Per Game stat with an average HPG of 2.8 over that period. Insiders feel that since the Celtics abandoned their colored headbands from the 2002-2003 season, their poor HPG rating has been the major source of their recent woes.

It’ll take some time before the new acquisitions begin to gel with the Celtics current core of Brian Scalabrine, Brandon Wallace, and Michael Olowakandi. But one Celtic in particular couldn’t be more thrilled with the talents of his new teammates. When asked if he thought that House and Pollard would prove to be an upgrade over the departed stalwarts Al Jefferson and Gerald Green, Kendrick Perkins responded “Shit yes! Eddie house – 10 fingers; Gerald Green – 9 fingers. You do the fuckin’ math.”

Wise words from an ecstatic future Hall of Famer who proves that you don’t need to go to college to understand the simple arithmetic at hand. One thing is for sure: The 2007-08 incarnation of the Boston Celtics is better than last year’s model.

-The Salieri of Basketball

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / August 7, 2007

The Boston Celtics shocked the sports and entertainment world by signing legendary Smiths front man and solo recording artist Morrissey to a one year deal believed to be worth the league veteran minimum.

When asked by local Boston sports reporter Dick Shankly on whether he would contribute immediately to the Celtics, he replied, “Frankly, Mr. Shankly, how soon is now?”

-The Boston Bachelor

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / August 6, 2007

We unexpectedly met former Celtic and current free agent Eric Williams (decked out in all white- Escalade included) in Boylston last Saturday night. Though we didn’t inquire about the reasons for his visit, will he perhaps be the next free agent signing for the Celtics? One thing’s for sure; the Celtics could definitely use some veteran depth behind KG in the power forward position.

If Eric Williams is sportin’ the Leprechaun when the season starts, remember folks- you heard it here first.

-The Boston Bachelor

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / August 1, 2007

Are you kidding me?

In less than 5 weeks the Boston Celtics went from the 2nd worst team in the league to the team to beat in the Eastern Conference.

Never would I have thought this possible. Not with this front office. Not with this team. Maybe with the Red Sox or the Patriots, but never with the Celtics. Not unless Red Aurebach climbed out of his grave, hopped into his SL convertible (cigar in one hand, steering wheel in the other), and crashed into Danny Ainge’s office like it was the police station in The Terminator.

But unless he’s buried somewhere in Pet Cemetery, the sad Pitino truth is that Red Aurebach isn’t walking through that door.

So then, how did this miracle happen?

Here’s the most rational explanation I could come up with:

5/22/2007: A record number of Celtics fans tune in to the 2007 NBA Draft Lottery night with baited breath, hoping that this would be the turning point of a long-suffering dynasty (Reggie Lewis, Len Bias, and Tim Duncan there of). Meanwhile, behind the draft curtains Portland Trailblazers owner and Microsoft bazillionaire Paul Allen promises David Stern one crazy night of group sex with all members of the Portland Trailblazers cheerleaders and a Kevin Duckworth throwback jersey in exchange for the 1st lottery pick. David Stern accepts, and the rest is ping pong history, causing legions of Celtics fans to erupt in disgust: http://dimemag.com/2007/05/23/lottery-night-for-celtics-fans/

6/27/2007: Ainge, realizing the Celtics chances for getting a guaranteed franchise player in the draft are shot, begins making calls to various NBA GMs across the league. All hang up on him immediately after he mentions the word “Scalabrine” as possible trade bait.

6/28/2007: Ainge’s perserverance finally pays minutes before the draft begins by making a deal for the Sonics’ Ray Allen. Celtics fans react with mixed emotions upon hearing the news. Ainge nearly fucks the deal up by referring to Ray Allen as “the black Jesus who beat Denzel in a game of one-on-one.”

6/29/2007: Paul Pierce takes his house off the market.

7/25/2007: Ainge is visited at midnight by the ghost of Red, who shows him what the future would be like- if things were to continue along the current path. Some of the images Ainge sees include Vin Baker rising to Celtics GM and Sebastian Telfair shooting Paul Pierce 9 times.

7/26/2007: Ainge calls up good friend and former teammate Kevin “the Spaghetti Man” McHale to inquire about Kevin Garnett. McHale laughs at Ainge, hangs up, then folds some sweaters.

7/30/2007: Not so easily deterred, Ainge flies to Minnesota to plead with McHale in person. After Ainge starts quoting verse from the Book of Mormon, McHale finally relents and agrees to put a KG deal out on the table- on the condition that Ainge has to dress up like “The Riddler” and run into Celtics President Chris Gotham’s office yelling “I’m Batman!!”

7/31/2007: With some help from Bill Walton’s bong and the Chief’s personal stash, Ainge convinces McHale to sign off on the most brilliant trade in recent Celtics memory.
Somewhere in Atkinson, NH, diehard Celtics fan Greg V. is crying.

So stand up, clap your hands, and give the man his due. Because Danny Ainge just pulled a Keyser Soze on the rest of the NBA and left the Eastern Conference shitting in its pants.

I can imagine John Paxson and Joe Dumars sitting in their offices right now scratching their heads, wondering how the hell Danny Ainge got the best of them. Well I’ll tell you how.

They just forgot, forgot about Danny Ainge, that’s all.

-The Boston Bachelor