The Boston Bachelor

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / November 4, 2007

Pinch me, Mick.

After years of sports-induced aneurysms, New England sports fans everywhere finally have much to smile about. The Red Sox just won their 2nd World Series title in 4 years, the Patriots are taking a proverbial dump on the rest of the NFL, and the Celtics have a legitimate shot at garnering that elusive 17th banner. Even the Bruins look promising, despite playing for a non-profit organization.

So in honor of this Haley’s comet moment in New England sports history, let’s now pay proper tribute to these beloved sports franchises.

BOSTON RED SOX:

What can you say? The Sox’s future looks just as promising as the Patriots’. With a core group of veterans, smart front office guys, and impressive homegrown talent, the World Series should be a gyroball away during the next few years—even if Schilling and Lowell jump the duckboat this offseason. Count on Dice-K to step up next season, and for young guns Lester, Buchholz, Pedroia, Papelbon and Ellsbury to emerge as potential All-Star candidates.

Just don’t blow it by signing A-Rod, Theo.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS:

Fuck Star Wars; today at 4 pm EDT, two cosmic forces will collide in the true battle of “good vs. evil.” Or at least that’s what the media wants us to believe. Whatever.

While Sunday’s matchup of the Patriots vs. Colts is indeed the most important regular season football game in the last 15 years, it’s a far cry from the battle of Armageddon. OK, so the Patriots scored a lot of points in their last few games. A lot of points. Big fucking whoop.

Should we now criticize Roger Federer or Justine Henin for defeating an unranked Wimbledon opponent in straight 6-0 sets? Should we ask Tiger Woods to stop aiming for the green on his par 3 tee shots during the back 9 of a final round? Or maybe we could incorporate the 10-run-lead-forfeit rule in Major League Baseball, like they do in Little League.

These aren’t clumsy 11 year olds we’re dealing with. These are grown athletes, coaches, managers, and executives that get paid 6-8 figures a year for what they do. If your favorite team gets blown out of the arena, get upset at your team and their boneheaded front office—not your competent competition.

If anything, we should be thanking the Patriots for turning the NFL into their personal game of Tecmo Super Bowl. Remember all the bitching about parity in the NFL a few years ago? How dynasties no longer existed in professional football? Well despite whatever your thoughts on “Spygate” may be, there’s one thing you can’t ignore: In the end, the Patriots are going to make your team better. Because I guarantee that for the rest of this season and all of next year, every opponent will circle in blood that date with the New England Patriots.

For the Patriots exemplify what NFL teams and their respective owners need the most: a fucking wakeup call. The Patriots putting up 42 first half points is not the crime; the real crime is charging fans $300 to watch David Carr throw interceptions for 4 quarters. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather pay to see one great football team than two shitty ones (London anyone?).

Back in the 90s I absolutely hated Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls; there was nothing I wanted more than to watch a despondent #23 lose in the NBA Finals. And though MJ always wound up victorious and nearly made me the youngest triple-bypass patient of all time, I’m now eternally grateful that I was simply alive to witness true greatness in its prime.

Years later, you’ll be saying the same thing about the 2007-2008 New England Patriots.

BOSTON COLLEGE EAGLES:

BOSTON CELTICS:

The Celtics make me nervous—in both a good and bad way.

You’ve got 3 extraordinarily gifted athletes combined with 12 relative no-names and a shaky head coach. There’s only four things that could stand in the way of the Celtics raising that 17th banner at this point.

1. Injury. This one should be a no-brainer. If one of the Big Three goes down, foggeddaboutit. You can start going to bed early again.

2. Focus. This is the real make-or-break. With the talent of the Big Three, it’s real easy for them to get lazy on the court and start playing freestyle pickup ball. Can Doc come up with a system that maximizes the talents of Allen, Pierce, and Garnett? (I suddenly feel more nervous.)

3. The Spurs. The path to the trophy will most likely have to go through San Antonio. Here’s to hoping that Eva Longoria files for a messy divorce, Joe Crawford stabs Tim Duncan, or Manu Ginobili suffers complications from hair transplant surgery.

4. Tim Donaghy. Woops, thought I was writing about the Suns for a second.

-The Boston Bachelor