The Boston Bachelor

BY THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / May 17, 2008

5. The disappearance of Ray Allen. Doc may be better off benching Ray Allen for Tony Allen at this point. Ray-Ray has shown that he’s incapable or unwilling to drive the ball to the hoop, despite being the most in-control basketball player on this planet (credit to V). Allen has also become a major defensive liability; at this point a Michael Jordan cardboard cutout being pulled on strings by Macaulay Culkin would make for a better perimeter defender.

4. Kevin Garnett mysteriously regains his sanity away from Boston. KG plays his best defense when he’s at his craziest, i.e. throwing punches at Leon Powe, smacking his head with the ball, patting Rondo on the head after rebounds, etc. KG needs to be the same defensive spark plug he is at home.

3. Too much emphasis on containment rather than winning. On the road, the Celtics seem to forget that the object of the game is to score points, not contain momentum. The road motto seems to be “How can we keep the other team’s stars and crowd from getting off?” rather than “Let’s win the fucking game.” As good as the Celtics defense has been on the road, it’s not the same type of defense that led to the league’s best regular season road record. The Celtics defense has always been best when it’s been in attack mode, actively forcing turnovers and creating fast-break opportunities. If we can’t dictate the pace of the game on the road, then we will lose. Yes, the Cavs are good in transition–but the Celtics are better.

2. Rajon Rondo returns from squirrel form to human form. Rondo is at his best when he’s at his squirrelly self (credit to Patty), dribbling through traffic, tossing up floaters, and causing nightmares for opposing point guards. Offensively, Rondo is the biggest X factor in this series—not Pierce or Allen. For the Celtics to win, the offense must be run successfully through Rondo. If Pierce has to run a majority of the offense on the road, then the Celtics will lose. And please Rondo—shoot the J when you’re open.

1. A slow half-court offense. On almost every possession, whether it’s rotating off the pick, finding the open perimeter shooter, putting up a reverse layup, or driving to the rim, our offense looks a half-second too slow (even without Kendrick Perkins on the floor). As a result, our opponents are beating us to our spots and don’t have to resort to committing fouls on the defensive end. Just about every time a Celtic catches the ball and squares his body to the basket, there’s a defender in his face. The Celtics are also eating up too much of the 24 second clock before attacking the basket (again, please shoot the open jumper Rondo). No matter how good your defense is, it’s hard to win an NBA game when you only put up 69 points in 48 minutes.

And of course, there’s always Doc.

-The Boston Bachelor

PS: I have to admit that Doc did a decent coaching job in Game 6 of the Celtics-Cavs series. But does that make me any more confident? C’mon…

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / April 21, 2008

Alright folks, first I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you.

The bad news: The Babe and The Bachelor will be no more as of Tuesday, 4/29, which will be our last show.

The good news: My good friend V will be filling in as a special guest host for tonight’s show and next week’s finale.

Now onto the details for tonight’s show:

• Two months ago I wrote Behind the Bullshit: A Beginner’s Guide to Bars & Nightclubs, which ended up being the most popular read on the entire site. So tonight, we’re going to follow it up with a no-holds-barred discussion on the absurd nature of the bar and club scene. You don’t want to miss this.
• Online dating. From Match.com to Yahoo! Personals to CrazyBlindDate.com, we share our personal experiences in the world of online dating.
• The NBA Playoffs. Yeah, it’s off-topic, but it’s too important not to mention. We break down every single series and announce our picks.
• And other shit we feel like discussing…

Click here to tune in tonight beginning at 8 pm EDT…

-The Boston Bachelor

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / April 10, 2008

Stay tuned for next week’s video, “Dropped Passes with Kendrick Perkins.”

Mid-Range Game with Sam Cassell

Rebounding with Dwight Howard

Shot Blocking with Emeka Okafor

Post Moves with Carlos Boozer

Jump Shooting with Ray Allen

Passing with Steve Nash

Moving without the Ball with Rip Hamilton

Man-to-Man Defense with Bruce Bowen (Yeah, I snickered too)

Taking the Charge with Shane Battier (Floor)

-The Boston Bachelor

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / March 7, 2008

I feel weird writing this.

I am not, nor have I ever been, a supporter of the Green Bay Packers.  Especially since Desmond Howard beat the Patriots years ago in Super Bowl XXXI.  Yet I still feel compelled to write this tribute to Number 4 upon the news of his retirement this week.

To many Brett Favre was a modern day folk hero, someone who seemingly walked out of the Mississippi backwoods one day with a football tucked under his arm, ready to lead one of the league’s smallest-market teams into prominence.  Favre was one hardnosed bastard, but an extraordinarily charismatic hardnosed bastard; the reverence he obtained in Green Bay rivaled only that of Steve Yzerman’s in Detroit.

Rationally, he should have been an easy target for criticism.  He forced passes at the worst of times.  He was stubborn with coaches and other players.  He had an addiction to painkillers.  But instead of diminishing his reputation, these things only increased his legend.  We just passed it off as Brett’s humanness (yes, that’s a real word), the same way we just sheepishly chuckled when our former President was caught getting blowjobs at his Oval Office desk.

More than anything else, that passion and unfettered spirit—flaws and all—will define Favre’s legacy.  Not the ring, the records, the trophies, or the way Favre went Rambo on the Raiders defense the day after his father’s death—but the way he coalesced sports with the human existence.  The joy Brett Favre gave me was not in seeing him play, but in seeing the joy he brought others when he played.  He was the conduit between the game of football and the forgotten childhood dreams we had growing up in backyards and driveways across this country.

That joy will be sorely missed.

-The Boston Bachelor

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / January 24, 2008

Our picks, predictions, and observations thus far for this year’s fantasy hoops season:
  

Get’em While You Still Can

Ryan Gomes
Travis Outlaw

  
Trade’em While You Still Can

Tracy McGrady
John Salmons

  
I Can’t Believe I Drafted This Fucking Guy

Ben Wallace
Kirk Hinrich
Gilbert Arenas

  
All-Injury Team

Shaquille O’Neal
Tracy McGrady
Gilbert Arenas
T.J. Ford
Grant Hill (Tenured)

  
Monuments of Inconsistency

Rashad McCants
Linas Kleiza
Rajon Rondo
Tayshaun Prince
Derek Fisher
Devin Harris
Yi Jianlian
Jason Kapono
Jamario Moon
Joe Smith
Daniel Gibson

  
Getting Better by the Minute

Nick Collison
Monta Ellis
Jose Calderon
Ryan Gomes
Travis Outlaw
Mike Conley Jr.
Andrew Bogut
Caron Butler
Chris Bosh
Rudy Gay
Big Al
Chris Paul
Deron Williams
Tyson Chandler
Dwight Howard
Andrew Bynum

  
Fast Start, Slow Finish

Tracy McGrady
Manu Ginobili
Damien Wilkins

  
Slow Start, Fast Finish

Amare Stoudamire
Pau Gasol
Dwayne Wade
Tim Duncan
Ben Gordon

  
Bargain Bin Free Agents That Make Your Team Suck Slightly Less

Nate Robinson
Marko Jaric
Wally Sczerbiak

  
Can’t Go Wrong

Lebron James
Chris Paul
Dwight Howard
Joe Johnson
Josh Howard
Josh Smith
Carlos Boozer
Antawn Jamison

  
Surprise! I’m Actually a Good Player

Chris Kaman
Hedo Turkoglu

  
My Stats Don’t Dictate How Much I Really Suck

Kendrick Perkins
Mark Blount

  
Who?

Thabo Sefolosha
  

-The Boston Bachelor

 By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / December 10, 2007

Back during sophmore year of college, I downloaded this video off some random dorm computer network.  And to this day, I still get the chills whenever I watch it.

-The Boston Bachelor

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / November 4, 2007

Pinch me, Mick.

After years of sports-induced aneurysms, New England sports fans everywhere finally have much to smile about. The Red Sox just won their 2nd World Series title in 4 years, the Patriots are taking a proverbial dump on the rest of the NFL, and the Celtics have a legitimate shot at garnering that elusive 17th banner. Even the Bruins look promising, despite playing for a non-profit organization.

So in honor of this Haley’s comet moment in New England sports history, let’s now pay proper tribute to these beloved sports franchises.

BOSTON RED SOX:

What can you say? The Sox’s future looks just as promising as the Patriots’. With a core group of veterans, smart front office guys, and impressive homegrown talent, the World Series should be a gyroball away during the next few years—even if Schilling and Lowell jump the duckboat this offseason. Count on Dice-K to step up next season, and for young guns Lester, Buchholz, Pedroia, Papelbon and Ellsbury to emerge as potential All-Star candidates.

Just don’t blow it by signing A-Rod, Theo.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS:

Fuck Star Wars; today at 4 pm EDT, two cosmic forces will collide in the true battle of “good vs. evil.” Or at least that’s what the media wants us to believe. Whatever.

While Sunday’s matchup of the Patriots vs. Colts is indeed the most important regular season football game in the last 15 years, it’s a far cry from the battle of Armageddon. OK, so the Patriots scored a lot of points in their last few games. A lot of points. Big fucking whoop.

Should we now criticize Roger Federer or Justine Henin for defeating an unranked Wimbledon opponent in straight 6-0 sets? Should we ask Tiger Woods to stop aiming for the green on his par 3 tee shots during the back 9 of a final round? Or maybe we could incorporate the 10-run-lead-forfeit rule in Major League Baseball, like they do in Little League.

These aren’t clumsy 11 year olds we’re dealing with. These are grown athletes, coaches, managers, and executives that get paid 6-8 figures a year for what they do. If your favorite team gets blown out of the arena, get upset at your team and their boneheaded front office—not your competent competition.

If anything, we should be thanking the Patriots for turning the NFL into their personal game of Tecmo Super Bowl. Remember all the bitching about parity in the NFL a few years ago? How dynasties no longer existed in professional football? Well despite whatever your thoughts on “Spygate” may be, there’s one thing you can’t ignore: In the end, the Patriots are going to make your team better. Because I guarantee that for the rest of this season and all of next year, every opponent will circle in blood that date with the New England Patriots.

For the Patriots exemplify what NFL teams and their respective owners need the most: a fucking wakeup call. The Patriots putting up 42 first half points is not the crime; the real crime is charging fans $300 to watch David Carr throw interceptions for 4 quarters. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather pay to see one great football team than two shitty ones (London anyone?).

Back in the 90s I absolutely hated Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls; there was nothing I wanted more than to watch a despondent #23 lose in the NBA Finals. And though MJ always wound up victorious and nearly made me the youngest triple-bypass patient of all time, I’m now eternally grateful that I was simply alive to witness true greatness in its prime.

Years later, you’ll be saying the same thing about the 2007-2008 New England Patriots.

BOSTON COLLEGE EAGLES:

BOSTON CELTICS:

The Celtics make me nervous—in both a good and bad way.

You’ve got 3 extraordinarily gifted athletes combined with 12 relative no-names and a shaky head coach. There’s only four things that could stand in the way of the Celtics raising that 17th banner at this point.

1. Injury. This one should be a no-brainer. If one of the Big Three goes down, foggeddaboutit. You can start going to bed early again.

2. Focus. This is the real make-or-break. With the talent of the Big Three, it’s real easy for them to get lazy on the court and start playing freestyle pickup ball. Can Doc come up with a system that maximizes the talents of Allen, Pierce, and Garnett? (I suddenly feel more nervous.)

3. The Spurs. The path to the trophy will most likely have to go through San Antonio. Here’s to hoping that Eva Longoria files for a messy divorce, Joe Crawford stabs Tim Duncan, or Manu Ginobili suffers complications from hair transplant surgery.

4. Tim Donaghy. Woops, thought I was writing about the Suns for a second.

-The Boston Bachelor

Up next is an article written by my good friend Vemis. I’ve known the kid since his Saab 900 days, so please give a warm welcome to “The Salieri of Writing.” If you’d like to give feedback to the kid (angry religious folks and Celtics fans are especially welcome), email him at gvemis@gmail.com. So please stand up and give praise to a man about to ruminate on two of his favorite topics: the Boston Celtics and The Shawshank Redemption.

-The Boston Bachelor

The Shawshank Redemption is Faaaantastic!

By THE SALIERI OF WRITING / August 14, 2007

ANDY DUFRESNE:

When Andy first arrived at Shawshank Prison in 1947 it looked like a stiff breeze would tip him over. He was a tall lanky white man with a shadow of mystery about him. He had a casual stride and a drooping gaze as if he didn’t have a care in the world. He caught the attention of several inmates including Red, who doubted his fortitude from the beginning and didn’t think he would last the night. The rest is movie history– Red lost a pack of smokes, Fat Ass would spend the night in the infirmary, and not so much as a mouse fart would come out of Andy’s cell.

Was there a tall white player in the NBA that didn’t look all that good (i.e. he was ugly), and raised doubts among NBA critics before even entering the league? That’s right, you guessed it- Larry Joe Bird. Like Andy, Larry would quickly dismiss his critics and gain the respect and admiration of everyone around him.

Dufresne and Bird may be the closest reincarnation to the second coming of Christ that this world will ever see. Flashback to the scene of Andy’s outstretched arms, pointing to the heavens, thanking his Father for the redemption of paying penance for the sin of another man. It was a baptismal cleansing of shit so foul that you can’t even imagine. In many ways, the journey through that tunnel of excrement was symbolic of his ill-fated life up to that point. Throughout it all he would make the best of his situation and perform acts that weren’t thought possible amongst his peers- whether it was playing The Marriage of Figaro over the loud speakers, getting a 12 pack of suds for his friends, or tunneling through a 6 foot wall of concrete with a spoon. He represented the consummate human being in terms of bonding, character, and an enduring hope for a better life in the future.

Although I can’t say Larry was a stand up individual off the court (i.e. he was an asshole) his acts on the court were nothing short of miraculous. The reaction from the Hawks bench during Larry’s 60 point explosion in 85 must have been similar to the reactions Jesus received when he walked on water. Bird would defy disbelief throughout his career with his no look passes, clutch shooting, and timely defensive stops. He was the consummate basketball player whose unselfish style improved the play of his teammates and in return, garnered their respect. Larry Bird, The Basketball Jesus, was the Andy Dufresne of the NBA. In fact, if Larry or Andy were pinned to the cross instead of Jesus, I might actually consider overlooking the hypocrisy of the Catholic Church and attend service every Sunday.

BROOKS HATLEN:

If I had to pick one player in the NBA that just won’t make it on the outside it would have to be Sebastian Telfair. Is there any doubt that the proclaimed next Magic Johnson, the pride of NYC hoops, the Coney Island Hope will be playing as a backup point guard to Yotam Halperin for Maccabi Tel Aviv in a few years? Imagine Sebastian’s surprise when he realizes that an AK47 isn’t a player who chokes in the playoffs and cries in the locker room. He’s going to have to replace his .35 caliber hiding in his suped up Caddy with something more fitting for Hamas rules. In this regard, Sebastian may be the most likely NBA player to commit suicide. It’s only a matter of time before the following is carved above a beam in the Timberwolves locker room: “Bassy was here…. So was Starburry.”

Brooks was a fixture for generations at Shawshank Prison. The Shawshank Redemption without Brooks Hatlen is like the NBA without Tommy Heinsohn. Tommy has been in the NBA for over 50 years as a player, head coach, and announcer. Can you imagine anybody else announcing Celtics games other than Tommy Heinsohn? I’m waiting for the night he drinks one too many Jack Daniels before a game and Fox Sports threatens to fire him if he doesn’t clean up his act. This will lead Tommy to take a knife to Gorman’s neck as Cornbread tries to talk him out of it.

I have to give this award to Telfair over Heinsohn for the single reason that Tommy could have easily made it on the outside earning a living as a professional painter. Not only that, Tommy would never consider taking his life with the Redhead from Needham as his wife. I’m with Tommy when it comes to redheads. There’s just something about them that lights a fire under Frank. Just take a look at the picture of Lindsay Lohan from the previous post and tell me that a boner the size of Florida isn’t filling up your pants.

BOGGS (THE SISTERS):

I have to be real careful here. I promised myself I wouldn’t make any John Amaechi jokes in fear that Tim Hardaway would post something blatantly homophobic.

Perhaps the most fitting NBA equivalent would be Isiah Thomas. Has there ever been another GM in sports history that has taken it up the ass more than Zeke? How else can you explain the $89 million bloated salary on a bunch of shoot-first selfish players? Now that Isaiah has crowned himself head coach, every hardcore NBA fan is salivating over the comedic potential of this freak show. This team will be so bad that even the Hawks will be slapping each other on the ass. My guess is that it will be three months before Knick’s owner James Dolan realizes how much his team blows and sends Isiah packing down with the Sodomites.

FAT ASS:

At 6’9” tall and weighing in at a butterballian 289 pounds, Big Baby Davis takes the Fat Ass prize by a long shot. If Big Baby ever hit the glass at Cedardale he would take out Barry Humphries and cause a tsunami that would spill over into Cedarland. I have never seen such girth on a professional basketball player since Tractor Traylor stomped the hardwood.

I can only hope he turns out to be a solid contributor off the bench for the Celtics this season. I hope that Danny Ainge can bring in some solid contributors to complement the big three. I hope the 17th banner is as green as it is in my dreams… I hope….

In Memory of Milt Palacio.

-The Salieri of Writing

Be forewarned.

Coming up next is the return of none other than Matty Roy, previously known as the most controversial writer to hit college campuses across the Eastern US (other than that UMass kid who made fun of Pat Tillman).

Though Roy and I don’t always see eye to eye on all issues, when it comes to raw honesty (as this is what TheBostonBachelor.com is all about), I’ve never personally met anyone who’s as brutally honest about his perspectives on life than this guy. Nor met anyone who managed to piss off so many readers (like this guy) during his weekly column “The Twilight Age” for Bentley College’s The Vanguard.

So without further ado, I present you with the words of the Salieri (of Basketball).

-The Boston Bachelor

Celtics Acquisition of Two Stars Has Them Poised For East Coast Domination

By THE SALIERI OF BASKETBALL / August 7, 2007

The Youth Movement moves west to Minnesota as Danny Ainge gives birth to a dynasty. After 15 years of wallowing in relative obscurity since the retirement of Lawrence Joe Bird, a formerly moribund Green Team appears poised to shit victories across the face of the National Basketball Association. Big green ‘W’ shaped horse apples should fill the standings in the coming season, as Boston’s most popular athletic franchise trots out a team that should decimate the league in a manner reminiscent of Josef Stalin. The reason for all the optimism that currently surrounds the Celtics of Boston is the result of two player acquisitions that have tipped the scales of power in the NBA and knocked the sports world on its collective ear.

Celtics Dictator of Basketball Operations Danny Ainge recently announced that superstar veterans Eddie House and Scot Pollard will be joining the 2007-2008 NBA Championship club. House, who has played for every NBA team to date except the Celtics is commonly considered to be amongst the top 138 outside shooters in the league. Last season he led a talented New Jersey Netz team to the playoffs with his gaudy 1.3 PPG average. Many analysts felt that with his exemplary shooting ability that he could have padded his scoring more, had he not been insistent on maintaining his 0.3 assists a night average. House, is widely known to be a consummate teammate, while Richard Jefferson described him as “One vicious Motherfucker”. Meanwhile, EHouse’s Soviet teammate Nenad Kristic praises his scoring ability from outside the arc, referring to him as “One of the best negro shooters in the league”.

The Celtics other major move this off-season revolved around wrestling F/C Scot Pollard from the defending Eastern Conference Champion Cleveland Cavs. Some analysts feel that had Pollard performed slightly better in the playoffs (2007 Playoff Statistics: 0.0 PPG, 0.0 RPG, 0.0 APG, 0.0 EFF Rating) that the heavily favored Cleveland collective could have toppled a mongrelized San Antonio Spurs squadron that consisted of a black Frenchman, a white South American, and a cola-colored center from the Virgin Islands. However true basketball statisticians are quick to recognize that Pollard has led the league for the past seven seasons in the all-important Hairstyles Per Game stat with an average HPG of 2.8 over that period. Insiders feel that since the Celtics abandoned their colored headbands from the 2002-2003 season, their poor HPG rating has been the major source of their recent woes.

It’ll take some time before the new acquisitions begin to gel with the Celtics current core of Brian Scalabrine, Brandon Wallace, and Michael Olowakandi. But one Celtic in particular couldn’t be more thrilled with the talents of his new teammates. When asked if he thought that House and Pollard would prove to be an upgrade over the departed stalwarts Al Jefferson and Gerald Green, Kendrick Perkins responded “Shit yes! Eddie house – 10 fingers; Gerald Green – 9 fingers. You do the fuckin’ math.”

Wise words from an ecstatic future Hall of Famer who proves that you don’t need to go to college to understand the simple arithmetic at hand. One thing is for sure: The 2007-08 incarnation of the Boston Celtics is better than last year’s model.

-The Salieri of Basketball

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / August 7, 2007

The Boston Celtics shocked the sports and entertainment world by signing legendary Smiths front man and solo recording artist Morrissey to a one year deal believed to be worth the league veteran minimum.

When asked by local Boston sports reporter Dick Shankly on whether he would contribute immediately to the Celtics, he replied, “Frankly, Mr. Shankly, how soon is now?”

-The Boston Bachelor