The Boston Bachelor

Up next is an article written by my good friend V. I’ve known the kid since his Saab 900 days, so please give a warm welcome to “The Salieri of Writing.”  So please stand up and give praise to a man about to ruminate on two of his favorite topics: the Boston Celtics and The Shawshank Redemption.

-The Boston Bachelor

The Shawshank Redemption is Faaaantastic!

By THE SALIERI OF WRITING / August 14, 2007

ANDY DUFRESNE:

When Andy first arrived at Shawshank Prison in 1947 it looked like a stiff breeze would tip him over. He was a tall lanky white man with a shadow of mystery about him. He had a casual stride and a drooping gaze as if he didn’t have a care in the world. He caught the attention of several inmates including Red, who doubted his fortitude from the beginning and didn’t think he would last the night. The rest is movie history– Red lost a pack of smokes, Fat Ass would spend the night in the infirmary, and not so much as a mouse fart would come out of Andy’s cell.

Was there a tall white player in the NBA that didn’t look all that good (i.e. he was ugly), and raised doubts among NBA critics before even entering the league? That’s right, you guessed it- Larry Joe Bird. Like Andy, Larry would quickly dismiss his critics and gain the respect and admiration of everyone around him.

Dufresne and Bird may be the closest reincarnation to the second coming of Christ that this world will ever see. Flashback to the scene of Andy’s outstretched arms, pointing to the heavens, thanking his Father for the redemption of paying penance for the sin of another man. It was a baptismal cleansing of shit so foul that you can’t even imagine. In many ways, the journey through that tunnel of excrement was symbolic of his ill-fated life up to that point. Throughout it all he would make the best of his situation and perform acts that weren’t thought possible amongst his peers- whether it was playing The Marriage of Figaro over the loud speakers, getting a 12 pack of suds for his friends, or tunneling through a 6 foot wall of concrete with a rock hammer. He represented the consummate human being in terms of bonding, character, and an enduring hope for a better life in the future.

Although I can’t say Larry was a stand up individual off the court (i.e. he was an asshole) his acts on the court were nothing short of miraculous. The reaction from the Hawks bench during Larry’s 60 point explosion in 85 must have been similar to the reactions Jesus received when he walked on water. Bird would defy disbelief throughout his career with his no look passes, clutch shooting, and timely defensive stops. He was the consummate basketball player whose unselfish style improved the play of his teammates and in return, garnered their respect. Larry Bird, The Basketball Jesus, was the Andy Dufresne of the NBA. In fact, if Larry or Andy were pinned to the cross instead of Jesus, I might actually consider overlooking the hypocrisy of the Catholic Church and attend service every Sunday.

BROOKS HATLEN:

If I had to pick one player in the NBA that just won’t make it on the outside it would have to be Sebastian Telfair. Is there any doubt that the proclaimed next Magic Johnson, the pride of NYC hoops, the Coney Island Hope will be playing as a backup point guard to Yotam Halperin for Maccabi Tel Aviv in a few years? Imagine Sebastian’s surprise when he realizes that an AK47 isn’t a player who chokes in the playoffs and cries in the locker room. He’s going to have to replace his .35 caliber hiding in his suped up Caddy with something more fitting for Hamas rules. In this regard, Sebastian may be the most likely NBA player to commit suicide. It’s only a matter of time before the following is carved above a beam in the Timberwolves locker room: “Bassy was here…. So was Starburry.”

Brooks was a fixture for generations at Shawshank Prison. The Shawshank Redemption without Brooks Hatlen is like the NBA without Tommy Heinsohn. Tommy has been in the NBA for over 50 years as a player, head coach, and announcer. Can you imagine anybody else announcing Celtics games other than Tommy Heinsohn? I’m waiting for the night he drinks one too many Jack Daniels before a game and Fox Sports threatens to fire him if he doesn’t clean up his act. This will lead Tommy to take a knife to Gorman’s neck as Cornbread tries to talk him out of it.

I have to give this award to Telfair over Heinsohn for the single reason that Tommy could have easily made it on the outside earning a living as a professional painter. Not only that, Tommy would never consider taking his life with the Redhead from Needham as his wife. I’m with Tommy when it comes to redheads. There’s just something about them that lights a fire under Frank. Just take a look at the picture of Lindsay Lohan from the previous post and tell me that a boner the size of Florida isn’t filling up your pants.

BOGGS (THE SISTERS):

I have to be real careful here. I promised myself I wouldn’t make any John Amaechi jokes in fear that Tim Hardaway would post something blatantly homophobic.

Perhaps the most fitting NBA equivalent would be Isiah Thomas. Has there ever been another GM in sports history that has taken it up the ass more than Zeke? How else can you explain the $89 million bloated salary on a bunch of shoot-first selfish players? Now that Isaiah has crowned himself head coach, every hardcore NBA fan is salivating over the comedic potential of this freak show. This team will be so bad that even the Hawks will be slapping each other on the ass. My guess is that it will be three months before Knick’s owner James Dolan realizes how much his team blows and sends Isiah packing down with the Sodomites.

FAT ASS:

At 6’9” tall and weighing in at a butterballian 289 pounds, Big Baby Davis takes the Fat Ass prize by a long shot. If Big Baby ever hit the glass at Cedardale he would take out Barry Humphries and cause a tsunami that would spill over into Cedarland. I have never seen such girth on a professional basketball player since Tractor Traylor stomped the hardwood.

I can only hope he turns out to be a solid contributor off the bench for the Celtics this season. I hope that Danny Ainge can bring in some solid contributors to complement the big three. I hope the 17th banner is as green as it is in my dreams… I hope….

In Memory of Milt Palacio.

-The Salieri of Writing