Number 4: Being a “Nice Guy” Is Not the Same As “Being Yourself”

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / October 19, 2007 

“But I just want to be myself.”

Who’s ever heard that whiny slice of cheese from a guy before?

The kicker is, “being yourself” really does work.  No lie.  The thing is, being yourself only works if you’re truly being yourself—i.e., the same guy who sings along to New Order at the top of his lungs while he’s driving; the same guy who teases his best friends about their choice in movies; the same guy who’s always there for those who’ve earned a place in his inner circle.

Unfortunately, when most guys say they just want to “be themselves,” what they’re really saying is “I want to keep doing what I’m doing because I can’t accept the fact that I have certain weaknesses or that I’m wrong.”  I know this because I was once one of those guys (cue sad music).

If a really fat person (and I mean orca fat) came up to you and said, “I don’t want to lose weight because that’s not being myself,” how many seconds would you last before you burst out laughing?  It’s the exact same thing with someone who has trouble attracting women because he can’t hold eye contact, always mumbles, and dresses like he just stepped off the set of White Men Can’t Jump.  How would you react if he told you, “I don’t want to learn about dressing well or proper speech etiquette because that’s not being myself.”  Call me crazy, but that’s some craaazy-ass shit.

The same goes with the self-championed “nice guy.”  Deep down you’re not as “nice” and “sexually non-threatening” as you claim to be, and you know that (and so does the porn collection on your hard drive).  Like the rest of us, you have certain values and interests you love—and some you despise and ridicule.  Like the rest of us, there were times in 8th Grade Science class where you couldn’t go to the chalkboard because of certain involuntary episodes of groinal rigor mortis.  And like the rest of us, you also check out the hot bartender’s ass when she turns around to make your drink.  So stop pretending to be a saintly eunuch, especially in the presence of women.  Have you ever had a boss who was a complete asshole, but acted like a complete doormat in the presence of an attractive woman?  Exactly—don’t be that guy.

We all have the same desires and passions; it’s just that many of us (the “nice guys”) choose to repress or mask our innate qualities, whereas the rest of us choose to accept them.  So the next time you’re out with a woman, stop peddling the fuzzy bullshit.  Don’t be afraid to tell her what you really like and dislike, or to tease her about her Nurse Betty Collector’s Edition Box Set.

Unfortunately, today’s society seems to push more and more of that “be the fake nice guy” crap in movies, television, and advertising; just turn on any romantic comedy or NBC sitcom.  So what’s left?  A whole lot of frustrated men, and just as many frustrated, sexually-unsatisfied women.  But remember: unless you live in North Korea, the ultimate responsibility for change still rests in your hands.

Like the kid in The Chocolate War who refused to sell those stupid candy bars, sometimes you have to ask yourself the question: “Do I dare disturb the universe?”

You should already know the answer to that one.
 

UPDATE: November 1, 2007

Table 1.  Being a ”Nice Guy” vs. Being Yourself

-The Boston Bachelor

Number 5: Cupid Is Dead

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / October 4, 2007

In fact, the fat bastard never even existed in the first place.

To the men (and women) out there who keep dreaming of the day that the fates will conspire to bring their soulmate into their laps: keep dreaming, and keep waiting. Because you’ll have a better chance of meeting Godot and Jimmy Hoffa before you ever meet an attractive partner, let alone your “soulmate.”

I remember freshman year in high school lying in my bed at night, praying to God that my high school crush would reciprocate my “love.” Now I’m neither religious nor atheist, but let’s face it: Jesus, Buddha, Vishnu, and the spirit of Jim Jones would have all been disgusted at that display.

As the years passed, I’ve come to realize the following about this crazy little thing called love:

1. There’s no third-party force out there that conspires to turn people into lovers. If you don’t know this already, then please turn off whatever Meg Ryan movie you’re currently watching. If a past relationship didn’t work out, it’s not because “it wasn’t meant to be.” Fate, karma, or the way the furniture in your house was arranged had nothing to do with it. It’s because your expectations of the relationship were different than hers. Or because plugs and sockets were being placed in other plugs and sockets. Or sometimes, it’s just the normal conflicts that result when two people live separate but mutual lives.

2. Love is simply a strong emotional bond that occurs over time—nothing more, nothing less. It’s the strongest of all bonds, and it’s not out there howling dangerously in the wind, looking to turn unsuspecting passerby into couples. So don’t ever think of it as this big, mysterious, abstract cloud beyond your control—or reach.

3. Love at first sight does not exist. But attraction at first sight most definitely does. And attraction is something you can easily trigger in another person, once you know what you’re doing. And attraction, eventually combined with affection, can lead to love.

4. Love is not going to fall into your lap. Sitting in the corner of a Starbucks all day pretending to type something important on your laptop isn’t going to work. Neither is standing against the bar and staring at the sea of women on the dance floor like a starving hyena. Neither is downloading 2.7 gigs of porn from worldsex.com each day (no, they’re not an affiliate). You have to get out there and approach. And I’ll be the first to admit that this first step can be the most difficult to take.

And that’s all you need to know about love.

Except… for one last very important thing:

5. In 1967, they composed one of the greatest albums of all time, Forever Changes. Give it a spin before you die.

In memory of Arthur Lee.

-The Boston Bachelor

Number 6: Stop Treating Her Like a Beautiful Woman (and Start Treating Her Like a Human Being)

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / August 24, 2007 

Catcalls make me throw up.

It’s not that I’m Gloria Steinem’s errand boy or some Bible Belt prude.  Far from that.  It’s the sheer stupidity of it that makes me want to vomit last Sunday’s dinner.  Because not only is that guy fucking up any chances he could have had with that girl, he’s also making things harder for the rest of the male species.

Yelling “hey baby!” or “nice ass!” is not going to make her suddenly stop, walk back towards you and your cock farm of friends, and hand you her number.  Even worse are the doofuses who yell at girls from their car window—like she’s going to flag your car down and toss a lipstick-imprinted business card into the passenger seat.

Now I’m not saying that girls aren’t a little flattered by the male attention; all women want to be wanted.  But the only thing you accomplish here is a lowering of your own value.  It doesn’t matter that you’re driving a Ferrari Modena (though every Saturday night some guy in Bolyston tends to think otherwise)—you’ll still be lumped into the group of insecure, inebriated guys who didn’t have the balls to approach her in the club.

Yes, I realize that she may look absofuckingly smokin’ in her miniskirt and leather boots, but the more you play into the role of horny, desperate guy, the more she’s going to see you as just another notch on her self-esteem belt.  Because what you’re doing is nothing new in the life of a beautiful woman… in fact it’s something she gets ALL THE TIME… for the life of a beautiful woman… is a far, far different fairy tale than the life of the average man or woman.  (Disclaimer: Average women in engineering or the military may have also experienced this life.  All other restrictions apply).

I want you now to close your eyes and imagine what it must be like to be a beautiful woman.  And please don’t touch yourself while you’re doing this exercise (that goes for you ladies too).  Ready?  Here we go…

Imagine that every morning you leave your apartment you’re constantly getting checked out or hit on by guys of all ages and races (especially those Indians and Greeks—sorry kid, I couldn’t resist).  It could come in the form of a hungry stare, a comment, a honk of the horn, a catcall, a wolf whistle, a feeble attempt at conversation, whatever.  You get to work and then have to deal with those male coworkers who “just happen to wander in” your cube, where they hover uncomfortably for 20 minutes trying to make small talk.  And finally on the subway ride back home, after a long, tiring day, you get more stares and more random strangers trying to–well, you get the point.  Now many of these guys may be genuinely good guys.  But if you’re getting this same kind of attention from 30 different guys each day—how are you going to sort through the pile?  Isn’t it easier to just dismiss them all as one big annoying lump?

The latter just so happens to be the unfortunate truth, gentlemen.  Think about it the next time a homeless guy asks you for change.  Sure, the guy may really need the money—especially if you happen to be walking through New Orleans right now.  But do you really take the time to stop and figure out whether he deserves the money—or do you keep on walking?

Hence instead of putting a beautiful woman on a Himalayan pedestal like 97% of guys out there, start treating her like a living, breathing human—flaws and all.  No matter how breathtaking, remember–she still eats, sleeps, burps, and farts.  And never forget that being good-looking has nothing to do with being a good person.  So quit the ass-kissing and unexpected gift-giving; her time and money are no more valuable than yours.  Most importantly, never accept second class behavior from her.  For many guys lose not only their composure and wallet when they interact with a beautiful woman, but their soul as well.

‘Soul’ seems like a strong word to use, right?  Well let me ask you this: how many times have you seen some poor sap treat a beautiful woman with the same reverence that Yul Brynner gave the golden cow in The Ten Commandments?  And when that temple came crashing down, it came down like a fireball in Hell, did it not?  So my one commandment to you is this:

Thou shalt not worship the golden pussy.

I can’t put it more eloquently than that.

-The Boston Bachelor

Number 7: You’re Not Her Savior

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / August 20, 2007

We’ve all fallen for those types.

The ones from the broken homes that just beg to be saved- because not only does she want to save the world, not only does she listen to the same obscure bands as you do, not only does she play 3 instruments, and not only does spend her weekends in a soup kitchen, but she’s also one of the most achingly beautiful girls you’ve ever laid eyes on. And you can’t stop telling your friends about her, no matter how often they tell you to shut up.

There’s just one thing, however. One flaw in that perfect jewel. Maybe her parents split up when she was 9 and she never got over it. Or maybe her father died when she was just 4 years old. Or maybe her grandmother died a long, horrible death from cancer last summer. And in those quiet moments, you can still see it in those pale blue eyes, that fear- that sense of abandonment- that pain.

And you, more than anything in the world, want to heal her wounds and make her whole again… you want to make her life perfect, as it richly deserves to be. And once that happens, she’ll suddenly realize… that all along… it was you… it was always you. And you’ll gaze longingly into each other’s eyes and finally share that kiss you’ve waited so long for… not just any kiss… but the sweetest kiss in the entire world–

STOP that kind of thinking RIGHT NOW.

Because the last thing she’ll do is fall in love with you if you keep that behavior up.

Harsh words, yes. But it’s a lesson most guys have learned through many lonely Friday nights. Yet they keep making that same mistake again and again and again and again.

Because while you’ve been acting as her psychiatrist/therapist/nurse/delivery boy/chauffeur/personal assistant, you were being anything BUT an attractive man. In fact, you were probably smothering her to the point where you were starting to creep her out. Look, if she really needs emotional help, do yourself and her a favor and refer her to a real psychiatrist. Stop trying to exchange therapy for love. I’m sorry, but it just doesn’t work that way.

If anything, you should be focusing away from all that emotionally-draining stuff. Let me ask you this: who would she rather date- a guy who constantly reminded her of all the weighty issues in her life, or a guy who was a consistent source of fun, excitement, adventure, and sensuality?

Let’s also be honest about what it is that separates her from all the other girls out there. If she had the same exact personality but stood 4’11” and weighed 300lb., would you still be infatuated with her? I didn’t think so.

So stop trying to save her. Because not only will that get you nowhere romantically, it’s also being dishonest about your intentions. Unless you enjoy putting a woman in the uncomfortable position of someday having to give you that “let’s just be friends” speech, save the asexual male nurse act for Philip Seymour Hoffman.

And if your girlfriend happens to be devoutly religious, then my good friend V (who just got out of a 4 1/2 year relationship with a devout Roman Catholic) has some even more sobering news for you: Jesus will always be her man.

Until next time.

-The Boston Bachelor

Number 8: It’s Always Your Fault

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / August 15, 2007

(You can tell your girlfriend to stop clapping now).

That’s right guys- it’s always your fault. Had a date flake on you last night? Your fault. So your girlfriend cheated on you with your friend while you were studying abroad in London? Your fault too. Approached some girl at a party only to have her rebuff you with a “NO” even before you opened your mouth? You guessed it- that’s your fault as well! Now before you sip some peyote and start burning effigies of The Boston Bachelor in your backyard, just hear me out for a second.

Ready? Good. Now listen closely.

It’s the mindset that’s important, not the facts. Believing that “it’s always your fault” is the quickest way you’re going to improve your success not just in this game, but in life in general. Why? Because everything else out there- the girls, the clubs, the unspoken gender rules of society, the age of consent laws in Southwick- are all outside of your direct control. The only real control you have is over yourself: your actions, your behaviors, and your beliefs.

The perfect analogy exists in the sports world. The greatest athletes, past and present, never play the blame game (are you listening, Isiah?). When they lose, they know the onus is on them- not the lack of air conditioning in the old Boston Garden, not “The Jordan Rules,” not the Cubs fan who went for the foul ball, and not even Tim Donaghy (well, maybe a little- we’ll see what the investigation turns up). So with all apologies to Dr. Sean Maguire, yes Will Hunting, it is your fault.

Because only by always accepting responsibility for the outcome will you ever obtain the strength and perseverance necessary for greatness. Think of MJ’s flu game against Utah, Larry Legend willing the Celtics to an OT victory in Game 4 of the ’84 NBA Finals, or Floyd Landis’ miraculous comeback in the 2006 Tour de France. Against all external odds, the greatest still find a way.

So now that you know this, think back to the last time you were out with your friends and some random chick gave you the cold shoulder. Your friends probably tried to comfort you by remarking, “man, what a bitch,” or “fuck her, she probably went to a tech school or something.” Well if they were a true friend, they’d tell you the straight deal; that it wasn’t her, but your cologne of insecurity and poor body language. Or the fact that you looked in her direction 54 times before you made an approach. Or the fact that you haven’t updated your wardrobe since Twin Peaks went off the air.

Now I’m not saying that bitchy, bitter, or insane Anna Nicoles don’t exist. But is it really worth turning shit into gold when it’s easier to learn how to avoid stepping in it in the first place?

I do have one final warning. When you take the blame, NEVER, EVER, EVER take it personally. NEVER beat yourself up over it. I cannot emphasize this enough. Remember- every rejection, every loss, every rebuff, every flake- is just another stepping stone on the path to success.

Entrepreneur and bestselling author Robert Kiyosaki said it best: “Sometimes you win; sometimes you learn.”

-The Boston Bachelor

Number 9: It’s OK to Date More Than One Woman at Once

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / August 4, 2007

Yes, you read that correctly.

Now before you jump the gun and start spewing off about the sanctities of committed relationships and the importance of fidelity, allow me to explain exactly what I mean.

If you are a single guy, then it’s perfectly OK (and recommended) to date more than one woman at once until you meet the right gal. And by single, I mean not married, not engaged, and not living with the same girlfriend for the past 17 years.

“But wait,” you say. “Isn’t this dishonest and deceitful? If she finds out, isn’t she going to throw a complete shit fit and kidnap my pet dog or something?”

Well that all depends on the expectations you’ve set for her. A bad breakup will always result if one person’s expectations of the relationship are different than the other person’s. So if you communicate to her at the outset that you’re immediately thinking of her as the future bearer of your children, then there’s a pretty good chance she might be a little peeved when she finds out you’re spending your Thursday nights with her college roommate.

On the other hand, if you make it clear through your actions and behavior that you have lots of options (which all guys do have, even if they aren’t aware of it), and aren’t desperate to jump into a committed relationship with every girl you meet, then you’ll find her to be much more accommodating of this fact.

So how do you make it clear to her that you’re the type of guy who has an active dating life and is not some desperate, needy loser without being needlessly overt or coming off as a braggart?

For starters, have an active social life. Keep a busy schedule; sign up for that acting class you’ve always considered taking. Don’t call her 50 times a day or shower her with gifts and undeserved praise.

If she asks you about your dating life, be honest and open about it (unless your dating is limited to Internet porn). Remember, you should be the one who’s qualifying her out of the many fishes in the sea (there are over 3 billion women on this planet, gentlemen). It IS a numbers game, folks. Finding a woman who’s attractive on the outside is easy; finding one who’s also attractive to you on the inside is undoubtedly tougher. So when it comes to committed relationships, you have an inherent right to be picky.

Finally, don’t forget that most single women (especially in the attractive ones living in the city) often date several guys at the same time until they find their so-called “Mr. Right.” So if you have any moral hang-ups about dating multiple women at one time, drop them right now.

And if you’re a Mormon from Utah, I’m sorry that I wasted your time.

-The Boston Bachelor

Number 10: It’s not just nice guys vs. jerks.

By THEBOSTONBACHELOR.COM / July 31, 2007

Ever hear some guy complain about how girls only date the “assholes” or “jerks?”  Well, I used to be one of those guys.

Not anymore.

Here’s the truth.

People tend to find evidence that supports their current perspective of the world.  Politics is the perfect example.  Whether you’re Republican, Democrat, Libertarian (what’s up V), Marxist, or a card carrying member of the KKK, you’re always going to interpret things in a way that supports your viewpoint.  And if you see or hear something that seems to contradict your viewpoint, your brain comes up with what it considers a “rational” explanation to negate this moment of doubt.

So if you’re one of those guys who thinks that the hot girls only go for the “assholes” out there, tell me if this sounds familiar.

You’re in a bar or at a party and you see this guy who looks like a total douche bag.  Let’s say for sake of argument that he is a total douche bag.  And he’s got a group of hot girls around him to boot.

But just because that guy is a total douche bag, is that what actually attracts the girl to him?  Does A cause B in this instance?

The answer is this:

Jerks simply possess certain qualities (unrelated to being a jerk) that women find attractive- and that nice guys often lack.  It’s these particular qualities that matter, not the simple question of being a “jerk” or a “nice guy.”

Jerks are usually confident bordering on arrogant.  Nice guys may have confidence, but often they don’t show it in the presence of attractive women.

Jerks tend to be comfortable in their own skin.  Nice guys usually act extra cautious around women.

Jerks put women through a wider range of emotions.  Nice guys usually keep all interactions in the same gear (boring or dull).

Here’s a story from my personal life.

I remember way back when I thought the solution was to act like a complete ass around a woman.  I tried it out and surprisingly, it didn’t work.

Why didn’t it work?

Because even though I was a jerk, I still wasn’t confident.  I still lacked emotional independence.  I still had no clue how to flirt with a woman.  I still looked for her approval like a lap dog.  I still was the same person as before- only a bigger tool.

So if you’re one of those “nice guys” who thinks that simply switching from “nice guy” to “jerk” mode will automatically solve your issues with women, then you still can’t see the forest for the trees.

Step back, tell your brain to shut up, and take a deeper look instead.  See what the real issues are?  Good.

Now get back out there.

I’ll be back soon with No. 9 in the list of The Top 10 Irrefutable Truths about Women and Dating.

-The Boston Bachelor